THE SHADOW DANCE - UNDERSTANDING REPETITIVE PATTERNS IN RELATIONSHIPS

[Guest guest]

THE SHADOW DANCE - UNDERSTANDING REPETITIVE PATTERNS IN RELATIONSHIPSBy Rebeca Eigenhttp://www.shadowdance.com/shadow/theshadow.htmlThe following article on the Shadow written by Rebeca Eigen was printed inthe Indigo Sun in the August 1999 issue and an edited version was reprintedin Conscious Living Magazine in their Winter Issue 2000...............³The psychological rule says that when an inner situation is not madeconscious, it happens outside as fate. That is to say, when the individualremains undivided and does not become conscious of his inner opposite, theworld must perforce act out the conflict and be torn into opposing halves.²--- Dr. Carl G. JungWhat is it that constitutes a good relationship? Is it getting alongharmoniously, being loving, truthful, honest, supportive? These arecertainly virtues and ideals that we all strive for. And yet despite ourmost valiant efforts, we continually come across problems and situationsthat puzzle us about our relationships.A very interesting thing about life is that it all starts repeating at acertain point and those of us who are willing to live a reflective life,have to ask ourselves some very important questions. What is this about? Whydid I attract him or her? And why is this repeating in my life?If we¹re honest with ourselves, we know that who we fell in love with at 20can be eerily the same person at 30, and even 40. We also know that the samekind of person keeps showing up as our boss, as a coworker and even as afriend, even if we decide to leave and distance ourselves from theirpresence.We can continue to do that for a long time. We can leave one relationshipand find another, and we can certainly leave a job, or a friendship, or evena sibling who we have decided is causing us pain. We can continue to blameothers for our negative experiences, or we can muster up the courage to takea long, hard look at our own Shadow.The ShadowThe Shadow, is a psychological term introduced by the late Swisspsychiatrist, Dr. Carl G. Jung. It is everything in us that is unconscious,repressed, undeveloped and denied. These are dark rejected aspects of ourbeing as well as light, so there is positive undeveloped potential in theShadow that we don¹t know about because anything that is unconscious, wedon¹t know about.The Shadow is an archetype. And what an archetype simply means is that it istypical in consciousness for everyone. Everyone has a Shadow. This is notsomething that one or two people have. We all have a Shadow and aconfrontation with the Shadow is essential for self awareness. We cannotlearn about ourselves if we do not learn about our Shadow so therefore weare going to attract it through the mirrors of other people.Taking Responsibility for Our LivesThe first thing we have to do in order to begin to see our Shadow sides, isto take 100% responsibility for our lives. This is a very difficult thing todo and no one does this overnight so we have to be patient with ourselves.Being in the human experience, we have all had many painful, difficultexperiences where it clearly looks like it is the other persons fault, orbad luck in life or whatever else we want to call it. So taking totalresponsibility for what appears to come to us is no easy task but it is wellworth the effort because when we take responsibility for what happens to us,we can then learn and grow from our experiences and make new choices forourselves.Changing our attitude from blame to responsibility will change what happensnext in our world. Our destiny is of our own making and what goes on insideof us will be reflected outside of us all the time.I am very fond of this ancient axiom given to us by the alchemists of longago: ³As above, so below, as within, so without, so that the miracle of theone can be established.² What it is saying is that what is within us, willalso be outside of us. Inner states of consciousness will be reflected inouter situations time and time again. If we are willing to look at thesignificance of these repeating patterns, we will see the synchronicity ofevents and situations and ultimately once integrated the miracle of the oneis established as we become one with ourselves.So What Does This Look Like in Real Life?We have all had experiences with other people that really irritate us.Whenever we feel ourselves over-reacting emotionally to a quality orcharacteristic in someone else that pushes all of our buttons (and therewill be a repulsive element to it), we can be sure that we are seeing a partof our own Shadow.We will not be able to stand this other person or be around them at all. Thereaction is usually extreme distaste as these characteristics or qualitiesthat we despise or hate in others are our own and they are usually operatingoutside of our awareness. They are in our unconscious and usually they willbe the exact opposite of what we believe to be true about ourselves.Now a person carrying a light part of our Shadow we will be very drawn to,and may even fall in love with, and this is the Å'Gold¹ part of our Shadow.So we can also project some of our very positive qualities when we meetsomeone we truly admire, but most of us have more trouble with the negativeexperiences as we encounter our Shadow. This is the psyche¹s way of bringingitself into the light meaning the light of consciousness.Projection and DenialProjection is an unconscious psychological mechanism. We all project ontoother people parts of ourselves that we disown, that we deny. We willusually not identify with the projected quality or characteristic at all.It¹s them. It¹s not us.We will feel highly uncomfortable when we are around someone that iscarrying a part of our Shadow. As I said before, and it bears repeating,there will often be a repulsive element to it. We will be repulsed by thatperson and whatever they stand for. It will feel like whoever they are istotally against our principles, moral values and ideals and we will behighly critical of their actions or way of being in the world.So notice. Notice who comes into your life that irritates you or pushes yourbuttons. It¹s usually something that is so unconscious within yourself, thatit¹s impossible to see that it¹s about yourself. If it indeed is a part ofyour own Shadow, in time you are going to see how it¹s going to startrepeating in patterns.Whatever we deem too negative to express, whatever goes against our highestideals will be conveniently projected out into the world. Our energy is likea magnet and the unconscious is profound. It will draw to itself, itselfover and over again. And generally the person receiving the projection iswhat analysts call 'a good hook¹ for the projection. They will be acting outthat quality or characteristic themselves and usually they will be doing itto an extreme so it is easy to see that it is them doing it. But as the12-steppers say, ³if you spot it, you got it.²Polarizing with OthersJung believed that whatever we are highly identified with in our character,the opposite extreme will be in our unconscious. He called this the law ofopposites. So unconsciously we will attract the parts of us that we actuallybadly need.So notice extremes between yourself and other people, where you arepolarized -- one person is doing one extreme and you¹re doing the otherextreme. Notice how often this happens. If it happens often enough, then itis definitely something you are totally out of balance with.Chances are that we are lopsided in our character and we need to learn howto do precisely what they are doing if we want to grow. Not to the extremethat they are doing it, but halfway. This is the answer to many of ourrelationship problems.Doing Shadow work requires that both partners have to be willing to come tothe middle of the polarization. It requires honest and authenticcommunication. Two people who trust each other enough to be vulnerable, andhave a commitment to their relationship, can help each other see each othersShadow and bring about in each other a more cohesive state of integrity withthe Self.There are no accidents. Both people are attracted or repelled whatever thecase may be by an unconscious collusion. There is an order in the Universewhether we can see it or not. According to Jung, the psyche is alwaysstriving for wholeness and if we can take our cues from nature we will seethat wholeness is balance. As n Woodman, a Jungian analyst, so aptlyput it: we have day time and night time. Which one of us would want no nighttime?A Blind SpotWe all have 'blind spots¹ in our character as Dr. Liz Greene, PH.d., authorof Relating: Living With Others on a Small Planet, points out. She saysthese inherent ³blind spots² in the psyche that we know absolutely nothingabout are precisely what creates havoc in our relationships.It can be really interesting when a friend points out to us something aboutour character, and we will say to them, ³I¹m not like that.² We will resentthem. We will be angry with them and we won¹t want to have anything to dowith them anymore because we will feel misunderstood.So whenever you catch yourself saying ³I¹m not like that,² if it gave you anemotional charge when they said it -- you probably are like that, you justdon¹t know it. A really good way to bring your Shadow qualities intoawareness is to ask a couple of really close friends to describe you onpaper. They see our Shadow side way before we do. Our real friends love allof us, the light and the dark, and accept our humanity the way we accepttheirs. And isn¹t acceptance what we are all looking for?Too Good to be TrueWe¹ve all met people who seem too sticky and gooey. They are ³too nice² andsickeningly sweet. We sense that they are somehow being fake when we arearound them and we feel we never really know them. They are, as the sayinggoes, ³too good to be true.² These people are barricaded behind their maskor persona. They will deliberately avoid any kind of negative reaction oremotion. They refuse to be real and suffer the acceptance of their own darkside and this can be a dangerous thing. We are better off knowing about ourdark side because as Jung put it ³Whatever one does not live, lives againstone.²Slips of the TongueHow many times have you said something and then said, ³I didn¹t mean it thatway.² Well we did mean it that way and our Shadow decided to have it¹s say.The Shadow side of us relates to life much more authentically and it willcome out whether we like it or not.Repressing or denying our Shadow can lead us into experiences where we areoverwhelmed by it and it can take us over. Then we can end up with egg onour face, acting in the very way we have denied or condemned in others andsaying to ourselves, ³Why did I act like that? I am not like that.² Wellwhen we say it like that -- ³I¹m not like that,² -- we are like that, wejust don¹t know it.There are many hidden and undeveloped parts in all of us and in attemptingto keep our self-image intact, we will completely deny their existence. Wedo this because we want to be accepted by our society, by our families andour peers. Our baser qualities -- our hypocritical behavior, our excessivegreed, our ruthlessness, our ability to be manipulative -- go straight intothe unconscious. But that doesn¹t mean they are not active in our life, theyjust live in the unconscious (unsupervised), and periodically they burstforth into our awareness and propel us into situations that we would muchrather avoid.Choices Versus DenialSo the more we know about ourselves, the more choices we have. We can thenchoose not to behave in a certain way. When we don¹t know about something,then it will take on a compulsive, automous element to it.These are the embarrassing moments that all of us in the metaphysical orChristian movement can attest to when we say or do something which is theopposite of what we intended to do or say. We embarrass ourselves and canfeel really bad about ourselves because we are not living up to our ideals.Ideals are important and certainly have their place in our world, but not atour expense. Not when it¹s not the truth about how we really feel or who wereally are.So learning about our Shadows can bring us the real peace Jesus talks aboutwhen he says ³You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.²Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it isembodied in the individual¹s conscious life,the blacker and denser it is.At all counts, it forms an unconscious snag,thwarting our most well-meant intentions.--- Dr. Carl G. JungWe have to be willing to see the part we play in attracting certainrelationship issues into our lives. We can¹t change anything we don¹t knowabout. And we certainly can¹t change other people so we must be aware of ourtotal Self, the dark and the light, and then at the same time make choicesabout our own behavior.A Life-long ProcessNo one does this overnight. Shadow work is a life-long retrieval process andit takes years of patient inner dialogue with oneself to understand and evenadmit to ourselves that Shadow work is even realistic and necessary. It¹snot easy to do and takes time and energy. Not always, but most often itbegins at midlife when we become determined to see the truth about ourselvesafter a series of painful relationships. As the Greeks inscribed at thetemple of Delphi ³Know thyself² and ³Nothing in excess.² Two very wisestatements.It is impossible to truly learn about our whole Self and grow into moreconscious human beings without this kind of internal self-honesty and as says in the book Owning Your Own Shadow, it takes a greatdeal of courage.

[Guest guest]

....so I have attracted all of you as my " shadows " ...not bad, not too

bad...but then, that's saying you have attracted " me " as yours....omg,

I'm so sorry....that's bad, that's soooo bad....lolololol.

--- In , " " <liane@...>

wrote:

>

> THE SHADOW DANCE - UNDERSTANDING REPETITIVE PATTERNS IN RELATIONSHIPS

> By Rebeca Eigen

>

> http://www.shadowdance.com/shadow/theshadow.html

> <http://www.shadowdance.com/shadow/theshadow.html>

>

> The following article on the Shadow written by Rebeca Eigen was printed

> in

> the Indigo Sun in the August 1999 issue and an edited version was

> reprinted

> in Conscious Living Magazine in their Winter Issue 2000.

>

> ..............

>

> ³The psychological rule says that when an inner situation is not

> made

> conscious, it happens outside as fate. That is to say, when the

> individual

> remains undivided and does not become conscious of his inner opposite,

> the

> world must perforce act out the conflict and be torn into opposing

> halves.²

>

> --- Dr. Carl G. Jung

>

> What is it that constitutes a good relationship? Is it getting along

> harmoniously, being loving, truthful, honest, supportive? These are

> certainly virtues and ideals that we all strive for. And yet despite

> our

> most valiant efforts, we continually come across problems and

> situations

> that puzzle us about our relationships.

>

> A very interesting thing about life is that it all starts repeating at

> a

> certain point and those of us who are willing to live a reflective

> life,

> have to ask ourselves some very important questions. What is this

> about? Why

> did I attract him or her? And why is this repeating in my life?

>

> If we¹re honest with ourselves, we know that who we fell in love

> with at 20

> can be eerily the same person at 30, and even 40. We also know that the

> same

> kind of person keeps showing up as our boss, as a coworker and even as

> a

> friend, even if we decide to leave and distance ourselves from their

> presence.

>

> We can continue to do that for a long time. We can leave one

> relationship

> and find another, and we can certainly leave a job, or a friendship, or

> even

> a sibling who we have decided is causing us pain. We can continue to

> blame

> others for our negative experiences, or we can muster up the courage to

> take

> a long, hard look at our own Shadow.

>

> The Shadow

>

> The Shadow, is a psychological term introduced by the late Swiss

> psychiatrist, Dr. Carl G. Jung. It is everything in us that is

> unconscious,

> repressed, undeveloped and denied. These are dark rejected aspects of

> our

> being as well as light, so there is positive undeveloped potential in

> the

> Shadow that we don¹t know about because anything that is

> unconscious, we

> don¹t know about.

>

> The Shadow is an archetype. And what an archetype simply means is that

> it is

> typical in consciousness for everyone. Everyone has a Shadow. This is

> not

> something that one or two people have. We all have a Shadow and a

> confrontation with the Shadow is essential for self awareness. We

> cannot

> learn about ourselves if we do not learn about our Shadow so therefore

> we

> are going to attract it through the mirrors of other people.

>

> Taking Responsibility for Our Lives

>

> The first thing we have to do in order to begin to see our Shadow

> sides, is

> to take 100% responsibility for our lives. This is a very difficult

> thing to

> do and no one does this overnight so we have to be patient with

> ourselves.

>

> Being in the human experience, we have all had many painful, difficult

> experiences where it clearly looks like it is the other persons fault,

> or

> bad luck in life or whatever else we want to call it. So taking total

> responsibility for what appears to come to us is no easy task but it is

> well

> worth the effort because when we take responsibility for what happens

> to us,

> we can then learn and grow from our experiences and make new choices

> for

> ourselves.

>

> Changing our attitude from blame to responsibility will change what

> happens

> next in our world. Our destiny is of our own making and what goes on

> inside

> of us will be reflected outside of us all the time.

>

> I am very fond of this ancient axiom given to us by the alchemists of

> long

> ago: ³As above, so below, as within, so without, so that the

> miracle of the

> one can be established.² What it is saying is that what is within

> us, will

> also be outside of us. Inner states of consciousness will be reflected

> in

> outer situations time and time again. If we are willing to look at the

> significance of these repeating patterns, we will see the synchronicity

> of

> events and situations and ultimately once integrated the miracle of the

> one

> is established as we become one with ourselves.

>

> So What Does This Look Like in Real Life?

>

> We have all had experiences with other people that really irritate us.

> Whenever we feel ourselves over-reacting emotionally to a quality or

> characteristic in someone else that pushes all of our buttons (and

> there

> will be a repulsive element to it), we can be sure that we are seeing a

> part

> of our own Shadow.

>

> We will not be able to stand this other person or be around them at

> all. The

> reaction is usually extreme distaste as these characteristics or

> qualities

> that we despise or hate in others are our own and they are usually

> operating

> outside of our awareness. They are in our unconscious and usually they

> will

> be the exact opposite of what we believe to be true about ourselves.

>

> Now a person carrying a light part of our Shadow we will be very drawn

> to,

> and may even fall in love with, and this is the Å'Gold¹ part of

> our Shadow.

> So we can also project some of our very positive qualities when we meet

> someone we truly admire, but most of us have more trouble with the

> negative

> experiences as we encounter our Shadow. This is the psyche¹s way of

> bringing

> itself into the light meaning the light of consciousness.

>

> Projection and Denial

>

> Projection is an unconscious psychological mechanism. We all project

> onto

> other people parts of ourselves that we disown, that we deny. We will

> usually not identify with the projected quality or characteristic at

> all.

> It¹s them. It¹s not us.

>

> We will feel highly uncomfortable when we are around someone that is

> carrying a part of our Shadow. As I said before, and it bears

> repeating,

> there will often be a repulsive element to it. We will be repulsed by

> that

> person and whatever they stand for. It will feel like whoever they are

> is

> totally against our principles, moral values and ideals and we will be

> highly critical of their actions or way of being in the world.

>

> So notice. Notice who comes into your life that irritates you or pushes

> your

> buttons. It¹s usually something that is so unconscious within

> yourself, that

> it¹s impossible to see that it¹s about yourself. If it indeed

> is a part of

> your own Shadow, in time you are going to see how it¹s going to

> start

> repeating in patterns.

>

> Whatever we deem too negative to express, whatever goes against our

> highest

> ideals will be conveniently projected out into the world. Our energy is

> like

> a magnet and the unconscious is profound. It will draw to itself,

> itself

> over and over again. And generally the person receiving the projection

> is

> what analysts call 'a good hook¹ for the projection. They will be

> acting out

> that quality or characteristic themselves and usually they will be

> doing it

> to an extreme so it is easy to see that it is them doing it. But as the

> 12-steppers say, ³if you spot it, you got it.²

>

> Polarizing with Others

>

> Jung believed that whatever we are highly identified with in our

> character,

> the opposite extreme will be in our unconscious. He called this the law

> of

> opposites. So unconsciously we will attract the parts of us that we

> actually

> badly need.

>

> So notice extremes between yourself and other people, where you are

> polarized -- one person is doing one extreme and you¹re doing the

> other

> extreme. Notice how often this happens. If it happens often enough,

> then it

> is definitely something you are totally out of balance with.

>

> Chances are that we are lopsided in our character and we need to learn

> how

> to do precisely what they are doing if we want to grow. Not to the

> extreme

> that they are doing it, but halfway. This is the answer to many of our

> relationship problems.

>

> Doing Shadow work requires that both partners have to be willing to

> come to

> the middle of the polarization. It requires honest and authentic

> communication. Two people who trust each other enough to be vulnerable,

> and

> have a commitment to their relationship, can help each other see each

> others

> Shadow and bring about in each other a more cohesive state of integrity

> with

> the Self.

>

> There are no accidents. Both people are attracted or repelled whatever

> the

> case may be by an unconscious collusion. There is an order in the

> Universe

> whether we can see it or not. According to Jung, the psyche is always

> striving for wholeness and if we can take our cues from nature we will

> see

> that wholeness is balance. As n Woodman, a Jungian analyst, so

> aptly

> put it: we have day time and night time. Which one of us would want no

> night

> time?

>

> A Blind Spot

>

> We all have 'blind spots¹ in our character as Dr. Liz Greene, PH.d.,

> author

> of Relating: Living With Others on a Small Planet, points out. She says

> these inherent ³blind spots² in the psyche that we know

> absolutely nothing

> about are precisely what creates havoc in our relationships.

>

> It can be really interesting when a friend points out to us something

> about

> our character, and we will say to them, ³I¹m not like

> that.² We will resent

> them. We will be angry with them and we won¹t want to have anything

> to do

> with them anymore because we will feel misunderstood.

>

> So whenever you catch yourself saying ³I¹m not like that,²

> if it gave you an

> emotional charge when they said it -- you probably are like that, you

> just

> don¹t know it. A really good way to bring your Shadow qualities

> into

> awareness is to ask a couple of really close friends to describe you on

> paper. They see our Shadow side way before we do. Our real friends love

> all

> of us, the light and the dark, and accept our humanity the way we

> accept

> theirs. And isn¹t acceptance what we are all looking for?

>

> Too Good to be True

>

> We¹ve all met people who seem too sticky and gooey. They are

> ³too nice² and

> sickeningly sweet. We sense that they are somehow being fake when we

> are

> around them and we feel we never really know them. They are, as the

> saying

> goes, ³too good to be true.² These people are barricaded behind

> their mask

> or persona. They will deliberately avoid any kind of negative reaction

> or

> emotion. They refuse to be real and suffer the acceptance of their own

> dark

> side and this can be a dangerous thing. We are better off knowing about

> our

> dark side because as Jung put it ³Whatever one does not live, lives

> against

> one.²

>

> Slips of the Tongue

>

> How many times have you said something and then said, ³I didn¹t

> mean it that

> way.² Well we did mean it that way and our Shadow decided to have

> it¹s say.

> The Shadow side of us relates to life much more authentically and it

> will

> come out whether we like it or not.

>

> Repressing or denying our Shadow can lead us into experiences where we

> are

> overwhelmed by it and it can take us over. Then we can end up with egg

> on

> our face, acting in the very way we have denied or condemned in others

> and

> saying to ourselves, ³Why did I act like that? I am not like

> that.² Well

> when we say it like that -- ³I¹m not like that,² -- we are

> like that, we

> just don¹t know it.

>

> There are many hidden and undeveloped parts in all of us and in

> attempting

> to keep our self-image intact, we will completely deny their existence.

> We

> do this because we want to be accepted by our society, by our families

> and

> our peers. Our baser qualities -- our hypocritical behavior, our

> excessive

> greed, our ruthlessness, our ability to be manipulative -- go straight

> into

> the unconscious. But that doesn¹t mean they are not active in our

> life, they

> just live in the unconscious (unsupervised), and periodically they

> burst

> forth into our awareness and propel us into situations that we would

> much

> rather avoid.

>

> Choices Versus Denial

>

> So the more we know about ourselves, the more choices we have. We can

> then

> choose not to behave in a certain way. When we don¹t know about

> something,

> then it will take on a compulsive, automous element to it.

>

> These are the embarrassing moments that all of us in the metaphysical

> or

> Christian movement can attest to when we say or do something which is

> the

> opposite of what we intended to do or say. We embarrass ourselves and

> can

> feel really bad about ourselves because we are not living up to our

> ideals.

> Ideals are important and certainly have their place in our world, but

> not at

> our expense. Not when it¹s not the truth about how we really feel

> or who we

> really are.

>

> So learning about our Shadows can bring us the real peace Jesus talks

> about

> when he says ³You will know the truth and the truth will set you

> free.²

>

> Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is

> embodied in the individual¹s conscious life,

> the blacker and denser it is.

> At all counts, it forms an unconscious snag,

> thwarting our most well-meant intentions.

>

> --- Dr. Carl G. Jung

>

> We have to be willing to see the part we play in attracting certain

> relationship issues into our lives. We can¹t change anything we

> don¹t know

> about. And we certainly can¹t change other people so we must be

> aware of our

> total Self, the dark and the light, and then at the same time make

> choices

> about our own behavior.

>

> A Life-long Process

>

> No one does this overnight. Shadow work is a life-long retrieval

> process and

> it takes years of patient inner dialogue with oneself to understand and

> even

> admit to ourselves that Shadow work is even realistic and necessary.

> It¹s

> not easy to do and takes time and energy. Not always, but most often it

> begins at midlife when we become determined to see the truth about

> ourselves

> after a series of painful relationships. As the Greeks inscribed at the

> temple of Delphi ³Know thyself² and ³Nothing in

> excess.² Two very wise

> statements.

>

> It is impossible to truly learn about our whole Self and grow into more

> conscious human beings without this kind of internal self-honesty and

> as

> says in the book Owning Your Own Shadow, it takes a

> great

> deal of courage.

>