thru tears and smiles, with boundless love

[Guest guest]

dear friends,

on January 31, at midnight, my 13-year-old dog, Bear, suddenly started

stumbling around, bumping into walls, vomiting, spasming. called vet, who

said wait til morning and bring dog in.

although bear seemed fine the next day, ultrasound found several cancerous

tumors on liver and spleen and in lymph nodes. vet said surgery is not an

option. so looking at how to keep bear as comfortable as possible.

only two days after ultrasound, i was woken at 7am to bear vomiting in his

bed, which is beside mine. he was paralyzed from the shoulders down and

could barely lift his head. after cleaning him up, he lost bladder control.

then he had seizure. called vet, who said there was nothing more they could

do to even help him be more comfortable. vet thought he also probably had

tumors in brain leading to seizures. vet recommended putting him to sleep.

i lay on the floor with bear for hours, trying to gather my own strength to

be able to take him to vet for euthanasia. after 3 hours, i got up and went

into kitchen for water. heard sudden sound and raced back to find that

somehow bear had dragged his paralyzed body off his mat onto the

floor--trying to follow me, as usual? i carried him outside and laid him in

the snow. he promptly peed in the snow, still aware that this was the proper

place. carried him inside again laid him on his mat.

again laid by bear for another hour, bear still unmoving, paralyzed for four

hours, wondering if this was the time. again trying to gather my own

strength for a final good-bye to my precious companion. i got up again to go

to kitchen and immediately heard a noise. rushing back, i found bear had

struggled to his feet! wobbly, falling over, i carried him outside and he

peed in snow again. but when i carried him back inside, he tried to stand

and drink some water.

message was clear to me: bear was not yet ready to leave.

from that day, there was a sudden improvement in his condition. he started

eating again. this lasted for about 2 weeks. then, a sudden shift in his

condition. he stopped eating for 5 days, only drinking water, and became

rapidly weaker.

bear is my last dog now (had three dogs)--and only two wonderful cats now

(had four cats). these animals have been my only company for last 6 years of

disability, while home- " bound. " bear has literally been my " shadow " --he has

always followed my every move from room to room (when i'm able to be up).

now these last couple days he is no longer able to get up to follow me, only

his eyes follow me as i move.

when i first brought bear home from shelter 12 years ago. he was a frantic

dog from abusive home with severe separation anxiety. no one else at the

shelter wanted him or to even try to work with him. but for some reason i

bonded with bear at first glance. when i first brought him home, he

immediately climbed over 6-foot tall chain-link kennel to follow my car as i

left for work. this was only the first of countless escapes that earned him

the middle name " Houdini " --including climbing over, though, and under

chain-link fences and literally chewing metal fences (despite ruining two

incisor teeth) in order to follow me.

i recognized bear as my guardian angel, when it became apparent that he was

able to inspire a healing that had eluded me for many years. at the time he

joined my life, in 1996, i had been in severe chronic pain for 25 years. i

was only able to stand or walk for at most 10 minutes before searing pain in

my legs and pelvis threatened collapse. yet when i realized what a

high-energy dog bear was, i knew he needed at least a minimal exercise to

help him calm. so i committed to walking him each day as far as i could,

which was literally only around the perimeter of the house. then i'd stand

for a few minutes at the end of long leash and let him run in circles around

me, like lunging a horse.

slowly, i did this once a day with bear, then twice (before and after work).

after weeks, i was slowly walking one block up and back by my house. over

the next months, always committed to what was best for bear, i increased our

walks, to 6 blocks, to 1 mile. and for the first time, we drove to nearby

wildlife refuge and began walking there, eventually reaching 3-mile walk

before the pain became excruciating.

this transformation in my ability to move was a miracle. from there, i was

able to begin dancing, and eventually exploring and training in healing

movement. this phase lasted until my disability in 2002 from Lyme disease

and other conditions.

since then, bear and my cats have been my primary support system as i

explore the profound depths of illness and inner healing.

(laughing now, only bear could inspire me to type this much despite the pain

.... yet i feel an overwhelming need to express and share my boundless love

for him.)

on feb 28 Bear passed on. the night before, bear entered a radically

different stage, with major seizures and vomiting even his water. part of me

had hoped that he would be able to die peacefully at home, as two of my last

three dogs had. but as i looked into his eyes yesterday, i felt the clear

message of his asking for help in releasing. my vet was willing to come to

my house and gave bear an injection, so i am deeply grateful that i did not

have to move him and he was able to die at home.

breathing in ever-expanding appreciation,

breathing out ever-deepening gratitude,

thru tears and smiles,

with boundless love,

kendra