Joy and Pain

[Guest guest]

Then a woman said, " Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow. "

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with

your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's

oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed

with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only

that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth

you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, " Joy is greater than sorrow, " and others say, " Nay, sorrow is

the greater. "

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember

that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must

your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

What brings you joy? Fills your heart? Makes your spirit sing?

Do you know people who seem to be naturally joyful and wonder what their secret

is? I believe that the feeling of joy can be cultivated, nurtured and expanded

no matter what your starting point is. As a psychotherapist I have had a special

interest in studying the blossoming field of Joy for the last two years. There

is an area of study in psychology called positive psychology which explores all

of the factors that lead to the positive emotional states like joy, contentment,

fulfillment etc. Pearsall, Ph.D, author of Super Joy (Don't you just love

the title-not just " Joy " but " Super Joy " !) refers to himself as a Joyologist. As

soon as I read that I thought, " What a great idea-I'm going to be a joyologist

too. " Feel free to adopt this title for yourself---no degree required-- just a

deep desire to learn what needs to happen to bring yourself more into this

wondrous state in your day to day life.

So that is what I have been doing both personally and professionally---learning

what brings people into that state of joy. This past spring I started a Joy

group with clients who had an interest in learning with others how to bring more

joy into their lives (all fellow joyologists!). I jokingly asked clients " I'm

thinking of doing a Fear group or a Joy group---which would you like to join? "

In my practice I have always been committed to assisting clients to live more

freely and authentically. I use breathwork and a psychospiritual process called

Inner Bonding to help clients connect more fully with their bodies and by doing

this they connect with their authentic feelings. Once feelings that have been

held in the body are expressed and released a feeling of lightness follows. When

these denser emotions are freed the natural upwelling of peace and joy surfaces.

What I hoped would happen for myself and my clients was that this state of peace

and joy would just continue to grow until that was the natural state of being in

the world. In many cases, myself included, maintaining this state consistently

was just not happening.

That is when I began my exploring, asking the questions " What is happening here?

Why is this feeling so difficult to consistently maintain? " What I found was

that most people lived in a state of suppression of their core essence---the

part of us that is in a state of joy. There also seemed to be an addiction---a

deep attachment to feelings of anxiety, fear and depression. I found that people

loved that state of joy and peace but they didn't have the tools or support to

maintain these feelings. They had much more practice and support in being able

to maintain their previous state of anxiety, depression and suppression. I had

clients report that if they felt too joyful it scared them because they weren't

used to the feeling. They would often hear parental messages like " Don't get so

excited " " Be quiet " " Don't be so full of yourself " . Another common message was

" I don't deserve to feel this good. " Some clients reported that when they were

feeling joyful friends and family who were in a less joyful state didn't know

how to react to them, or even worse they criticized them. Clients became aware

of their own choices that would bring them from that state of joy back into

anxiety or depression. There were fears about what would happen to current

relationships if they maintained this state of joy and connection to their

authentic self.

I wanted myself and my clients to be able to move more and more into that state

of joy. What I found in my own personal process as well as in my work with

clients were the following keys to living with more Joy.

1. A deep intention and commitment to being in a joyful state. This is the most

important key to Joy. Our energy follows our intention. This is a moment-by-

moment choice. What within me needs to shift in order to open up to the joy of

this moment? What are your beliefs about joy? Do you think it's something that

just happens to you or something you can actively cultivate and move more into

in your life? Your beliefs shape your experiences. Notice how you react to

joyful people---are you drawn to them or do you make judgments about them (i.e.

they are fake, flaky, flighty, strange)?

2. Tools. Learning specific exercises and activities that helped shift them into

a state of joy. Clients were able to identify things they could do to move them

into a more joyful state. For each person this was different. Some would move

into expressing gratitude or appreciation as a way of shifting into joy. For

some a favorite activity would be their path to shifting. Others would have a

favorite memory of a joyful time that would help them recapture those feelings.

3. Awareness of negative programming/messages/false beliefs that did not support

Joy. When clients embraced the intention of being more in a state of Joy a lot

of the old messages that blocked Joy would come to the surface. Once these

messages were at the surface they could be healed and released. The feelings

also held in the body that were associated with these beliefs/experiences also

needed to be released so the body was free to fully embody the Joy. Having a

breathwork session or other emotional process work to move this energy through

was essential. Trying to move into Joy without releasing held in anger, fear,

grief is like trying to get a hot air balloon loaded with rocks off of the

ground---you just don't get very far. What one needs to be mindful of in doing

emotional process work is not to get stuck in processing old feelings over and

over again. This can be an unconscious way to feel safe---exploring the feelings

of the past rather than taking the loving actions to live fully in the present.

Pay attention. I hear from a lot of people lately who do a lot of personal

growth work- " I'm sick of attending another workshop, reading another book---I

just want to live " . This is their authentic self crying out to just be, express,

love ---to be in Joy. So releasing the past being mindful if it is bringing you

more fully into the present.

4. Support. Connection with others who have the same intention to bring more joy

into their lives. This is very powerful. I have always been such a believer in

the transformative power of groups. Anytime I want to make a change in my life I

look for a group of like minded people who can support my efforts. Being a part

of a supportive group can also meet our deepest needs for a sense of belonging

and connection, as well as provide wonderful opportunities for laughter and

play. Unless you already have a group of joyful people around you-a joy group

would do wonders for supporting you on your path of Joy.

5. Being in the Present Moment opens us up to Joy. There is so much Joy in each

moment if we fully are present to it. Having the mind in the past and future

takes away from the Joy and peace of the present.

6. Following Dreams and Passions. What are your deepest dreams and passions?

Taking loving action to manifest these dreams can open you up to tremendous

energy and joy. A lot of the depression people experience is from the

suppression of their authentic self who wants to just express itself fully in

the world. Many of our dreams are a way to express the gifts we are here to

share. What can be important is to pursue the dreams without concern for the

outcome. An example is someone who has a dream of singing. If you are concerned

about others giving you approval for how great of a singer you are, the creative

process will be tense and not very joyful. If your intention is just to express

yourself fully and to enjoy yourself as you are singing your experience will be

totally different. The intention we have as we pursue our dreams can either make

the experience a fun adventure or one fraught with tension and anxiety.

7. Lifestyle Changes. What changes do you need to make in your life to open you

up to more Joy? For many people slowing down and not being as busy is essential

to opening up to Joy. A common issue that I work with when clients start working

with me is creating balance in their life. Many are exhausted and the only time

they have to themselves is the time during our sessions. It is hard to be in a

state of Joy if we are rushing around and feeling overwhelmed with day to day

life. Letting go of connections and activities that are draining in order to

make space can be very helpful. A good way to do this is to let your body

decide. Think of an activity that you have on your schedule next week-close your

eyes and breathe---when you think of participating in the activity does the

energy lift in your body and you feel good/excited or does your energy drop? The

body never lies. Our mind may give all the reasons why we should do this or be

with this person but our body will always tell the truth. If it is an activity

that you must be a part of you can ask your body (authentic self), " What can I

do to make this experience more enjoyable for myself? " Just breathe and listen

to the response you get back. Even if you love all of the activities in your

life, too many can take away the joy of each activity. We need time to savor

activities and the people who are in our life. Look to see if you are on

overload and make the necessary changes. De-cluttering the space around you can

free up time and space. Again you can let your body decide when getting rid of

things. Does your energy lift and feel good when you look at the object you are

trying to decide on. Ideally everything that surrounds you should be uplifting

and pleasing to you. If an object is neutral or brings your energy down, let it

go so someone who would truly value it.

8. Movement/Sound/Breath-Being fully in our body allows us to feel joy more

completely. Do you know what the sensation of Joy feels like in your body? For

some it can be a fluttering sensation in their hearts or a lightness throughout

their body. Some people have not felt joy in so long they forgot what it feels

like. Movement can bring us more fully in the body. What ways do you move that

bring you Joy? ---dancing, biking, walking, yoga, running, skipping. Many of my

clients love to dance, feeling very joyful and alive as they move. I give

assignments to clients to have frequent dance sessions throughout the day---the

more stressful the day the more dancing. Dancing helps to move energy through

the body. Our bodies are meant to move and we tend to live lifestyles that are

very movement restricted. I joked with a client yesterday that wouldn't it be

nice if the clinic she worked for had noon hour dance sessions for the clients

and the staff!! What sounds bring you Joy? Is it listening to birds or beautiful

music? Do you find joy in singing? I find most people love to sing yet don't

allow themselves to express this very often. Next time you are in the car just

start belting out songs---songs that you know or just make them up. Don't

deprive yourself of this joy any longer. Children who are naturally in that

state of Joy move and make sound all of the time---just notice this the next

time you are around children. Full connected breathing helps us to be more fully

in our bodies. How do you breathe throughout the day? Some people notice that

they hold their breath throughout the day. When you hold your breath you are

cutting off oxygen and energy to the body, decreasing your capacity to feel joy.

Breathing fully is opening up more fully to being alive---it is like saying a

big YES to life.

You may have noticed some things from the list that resonate with you and can

assist you in moving more into Joy. There may be things you could do that

weren't listed. Take a moment right now and just close your eyes and breathe

into your body asking the question " What do I need to change for me to bring

more joy into my life? " just let go and see what comes into your mind. Next ask

your body again " What could I do every day that would bring more joy into my

day? " breathe and relax and let the answer float into your mind. Now make a plan

to implement this in your life possibly sharing this with a close friend or

loved one. You can find someone to be your joy buddy-someone to explore with and

support you. I have a friend who is also a psychotherapist turned joyologist who

is my joy sister. I have another friend who started a clown troupe years ago

called " The Angels of Joy " . Taking these loving actions to bring more joy into

your life can be a fun and playful adventure. I wish you all of the joy your

heart desires.