Forgiveness and Health

[Guest guest]

Dear Vilik,

We find that one of the keys to recovering from cancer is finding it within

one's heart

to forgive those who have wronged one most.

Without this, 'something' keeps eating away at the immune function.

Best of Health!

Dr. Saul Pressman, DCh

URL: http://www.plasmafire.com

email: saul@...

Forgiveness and health

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> Seems I'm on the right track....I've been working with forgiveness.

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> ~^^V^^~

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> Study Finds Forgiveness Has Bodily Benefits

[Guest guest]

When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and

thoughts of revenge or embrace forgiveness and move forward.

Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of another. Your mother

criticized your parenting skills. Your friend gossiped about you. Your partner

had an affair. These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger,

bitterness and even vengeance.

But when you don't practice forgiveness, you may be the one who pays most

dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy.

What is forgiveness?

There's no one definition of forgiveness. But in general, forgiveness is a

decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the

act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense

committed against you. This can reduce the power these feelings otherwise have

over you, so that you can a live freer and happier life in the present.

Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion

for the one who hurt you.

Doesn't forgiving someone mean you're forgetting or condoning what happened?

Absolutely not! Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting what happened to you. The

act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life. But

forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive

parts of your life. Forgiveness also doesn't mean that you deny the other

person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the

wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Researchers have recently become interested in studying the effects of being

unforgiving and being forgiving. Evidence is mounting that holding on to grudges

and bitterness results in long-term health problems. Forgiveness, on the other

hand, offers numerous benefits, including:

· Lower blood pressure

· Stress reduction

· Less hostility

· Better anger management skills

· Lower heart rate

· Lower risk of alcohol or substance abuse

· Fewer depression symptoms

· Fewer anxiety symptoms

· Reduction in chronic pain

· More friendships

· Healthier relationships

· Greater religious or spiritual well-being

· Improved psychological well-being

Why do we hold grudges and become resentful and unforgiving?

The people most likely to hurt us are those closest to us — our partners,

friends, siblings and parents. When we're hurt by someone we love and trust —

whether it's a lie, betrayal, rejection, abuse or insult — it can be extremely

difficult to overcome. And even minor offenses can turn into huge conflicts.

When you experience hurt or harm from someone's actions or words, whether this

is intended or not, you may begin experiencing negative feelings such as anger,

confusion or sadness, especially when it's someone close to you. These feelings

may start out small. But if you don't deal with them quickly, they can grow

bigger and more powerful. They may even begin to crowd out positive feelings.

Grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility take root when you dwell

on hurtful events or situations, replaying them in your mind many times.

Soon, you may find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of

injustice. You may feel trapped and may not see a way out. It's very hard to let

go of grudges at this point and instead you may remain resentful and

unforgiving.

How do I know it's time to try to embrace forgiveness?

When we hold on to pain, old grudges, bitterness and even hatred, many areas of

our lives can suffer. When we're unforgiving, it's we who pay the price over and

over. We may bring our anger and bitterness into every relationship and new

experience. Our lives may be so wrapped up in the wrong that we can't enjoy the

present. Other signs that it may be time to consider forgiveness include:

· Dwelling on the events surrounding the offense

· Hearing from others that you have a chip on your shoulder or that you're

wallowing in self-pity

· Being avoided by family and friends because they don't enjoy being around you

· Having angry outbursts at the smallest perceived slights

· Often feeling misunderstood

· Drinking excessively, smoking or using drugs to try to cope with your pain

· Having symptoms of depression or anxiety

· Being consumed by a desire for revenge or punishment

· Automatically thinking the worst about people or situations

· Regretting the loss of a valued relationship

· Feeling like your life lacks meaning or purpose

· Feeling at odds with your religious or spiritual beliefs

The bottom line is that you may often feel miserable in your current life.

How do I reach a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. It can be difficult and it

can take time. Everyone moves toward forgiveness a little differently. One step

is to recognize the value of forgiveness and its importance in our lives at a

given time. Another is to reflect on the facts of the situation, how we've

reacted, and how this combination has affected our lives, our health and our

well-being. Then, as we are ready, we can actively choose to forgive the one who

has offended us. In this way, we move away from our role as a victim and release

the control and power the offending person and situation have had in our lives.

Forgiveness also means that we change old patterns of beliefs and actions that

are driven by our bitterness. As we let go of grudges, we'll no longer define

our lives by how we've been hurt, and we may even find compassion and

understanding.

What happens if I can't forgive someone?

Forgiveness can be very challenging. It may be particularly hard to forgive

someone who doesn't admit wrong or doesn't speak of their sorrow. Keep in mind

that the key benefits of forgiveness are for you. If you find yourself stuck, it

may be helpful to take some time to talk with a person you've found to be wise

and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider or an

unbiased family member or friend.

It may also be helpful to reflect on times you've hurt others and on those who

have forgiven you. As you recall how you felt, it may help you to understand the

position of the person who hurt you. It can also be beneficial to pray, use

guided meditation or journal. In any case, if the intention to forgive is

present, forgiveness will come in its time.

Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?

Not always. In some cases, reconciliation may be impossible because the offender

has died. In other cases, reconciliation may not be appropriate, especially if

you were attacked or assaulted. But even in those cases, forgiveness is still

possible, even if reconciliation isn't.

On the other hand, if the hurtful event involved a family member or friend whose

relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness may lead to reconciliation. This

may not happen quickly, as you both may need time to re-establish trust. But in

the end, your relationship may very well be one that is rich and fulfilling.

What if I have to interact with the person who hurt me but I don't want to?

These situations are difficult. If the hurt involves a family member, it may not

always be possible to avoid him or her entirely. You may be invited to the same

family holiday gatherings, for instance. If you've reached a state of

forgiveness, you may be able to enjoy these gatherings without bringing up the

old hurts. If you haven't reached forgiveness, these gatherings may be tense and

stressful for everyone, particularly if other family members have chosen sides

in the conflict.

So how do you handle this? First, remember that you do have a choice whether to

attend or not attend family get-togethers. Respect yourself and do what seems

best. If you choose to go, don't be surprised by a certain amount of awkwardness

and perhaps even more intense feelings. It's important to keep an eye on those

feelings. You don't want them to lead you to be unjust or unkind in return for

what was done to you.

Also, avoid drinking too much alcohol as a way to try to numb your feelings or

feel better — it'll likely backfire. And keep an open heart and mind. People do

change, and perhaps the offender will want to apologize or make amends. You also

may find that the gathering helps you to move forward with forgiveness.

How do I know when I've truly forgiven someone?

Forgiveness may result in sincerely spoken words such as " I forgive you " or

tender actions that fit the relationship. But more than this, forgiveness brings

a kind of peace that helps you go on with life. The offense is no longer front

and center in your thoughts or feelings. Your hostility, resentment and misery

have made way for compassion, kindness and peace.

Also, remember that forgiveness often isn't a one-time thing. It begins with a

decision, but because memories or another set of words or actions may trigger

old feelings, you may need to recommit to forgiveness over and over again.

What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?

Getting the other person to change their actions, behavior or words isn't the

point of forgiveness. In fact, the other person may never change or apologize

for the offense. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life —

by bringing you more peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing.

Forgiveness takes away the power the other person continues to wield in your

life. Through forgiveness, you choose to no longer define yourself as a victim.

Forgiveness is done primarily for yourself, and less so for the person who

wronged you.

What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?

It may help to spend some time thinking about the offense you've committed and

trying to determine the effect it has had on others. Unless it may cause more

harm or distress, consider admitting the wrong you've done to those you've

harmed, speaking of your sincere sorrow or regret, and specifically asking for

forgiveness — without making excuses.

But if this seems unwise because it may further harm or distress, don't do it —

it's not about making yourself feel better by apologizing. You don't want to add

salt to a painful wound. Also, keep in mind that you can't force someone to

forgive you. They will need to move to forgiveness in their own time.

In any case, we have to be willing to forgive ourselves. Holding on to

resentment against yourself can be just as toxic as holding on to resentment

against someone else. Recognize that poor behavior or mistakes don't make you

worthless or bad.

Accept the fact that you — like everyone else — aren't perfect. Accept yourself

despite your faults. Admit your mistakes. Commit to treating others with

compassion, empathy and respect. And again, talking with a spiritual leader,

mental health provider or trusted friend or relative may be helpful.

Forgiveness of yourself or someone else, though not easy, can transform your

life. Instead of dwelling on the injustice and revenge, instead of being angry

and bitter, you can move toward a life of peace, compassion, mercy, joy and

kindness.