Some Thoughts and an Old Poem

[Guest guest]

Dear Dear Family;

I am reposting this from long ago because it was my footsteps. I am speaking to the emotion, not a person. And it is most important that I state that I am not seeking pity or empathy. Everything in life is a teaching to learn and grow from. Today, right now, is a result of all of the choices we alone have made to bring us here. others can influence us, but we make the final decision. Also, the only thing certain in life is uncertainty and the only thing guaranteed is bodily death. I have learned so much from my journey, just somewhere in the middle of it all, I overlooked life lol. so again; we are the result of our choices. I chose/still choose to put others first. Liane pushed my button. Silly girl! haha.

Randy

Paragraph One

I awoke with you not beside me,

though still totally inside me.

Flowing through my blood

and captivating my senses.

The thirty second dream

which gave the illusion of forever.

The moon went down

and the sun never again came up.

So strange it is;

my need for you

and the impossibility

of forgetting or letting go.

When my Mother died,

me still in my youth,

it took three days

for me to finially register the loss.

I grieved and grew up quickly.

She would have been proud.

When news found my ears

that my never there Father

put a gun in his mouth

because his life and whiskey bottle became empty,

I could recall no happy memories

nor find any tears.

When my sister died,

she was freed from her sickness

and from an abusive marriage.

I loved her so dearly

as she did me.

I could not even attend her funeral.

Wishing to remember only

our happy times shared

laughing and perking a pot of coffee.

No more mental pictures

of now gone family members

lying peaceful in their coffins.

When a bullet found me

unexpectedly at work,

my life was spared

but my livelihood taken.

Stealing my long walks in the park.

I was shaped into gratitude

for all I still had

instead of what all I lost.

Smiling, I labeled it a grand teacher.

Now having plenty time

for spiritual growth.

Shoot me again!

(just joking)

When my wife of many years

decided a now injured and poor husband

was boring,

and then walked out the door.

A month passed in confused contemplation.

The initial thought was why

I fell victim to such a chain of events.

Praise to the wisdom which showed me

and reminded me

that I married her through empathy.

Such a horrid filth she called home

and her hungry stomach growling.

How could I not be the knight in shining armor?

So many years came and went,

filled with mutual caring

but never love.

I was true and bound my my vow.

Unbreakable, for better ans worse.

The universe dispelled it,

giving me the gifts of beautiful silence,

serenity, and life I never lived.

Freedom.

Thinking back,

I never once wrote her a poem.

When my daughter lost her morals,

her dignity and her self respect.

Giving away her child by an unknown father

because it cramped her life,

as well as the lives of those who sheltered her

in exchange for meaningless sex.

This troubles me deeply if I think on it.

My flesh and blood so opposite of me.

There was no reason to rebel

and my door was and is always open

though she prefers the streets.

I must conclude,

there is nothing more

I can say or do. Only pray.

When my two precious dogs

had to be taken to a shelter

because through poverty I lost my home.

For them, I think I wept the most.

Two dogs who were emanations

of unconditional love.

Who brought me happiness and joy

when the rest of the world was screaming at me

or had more important things to do.

They were there always,

with care lit eyes

and slobbery licks of reassurance

that they were there

and everything would be fine.

The thirty day clock ran out of time.

They were killed and creamated

by some heartless WWll reincarnation

of a gas chamber nazi.

Though, part of me blames myself

and pointing the finger at another repells farther tears.

Oogie and Tara,

I miss you both so much.

All of this,

yet here I am.

Now back to you paragraph one.

For a brief moment in time,

you were love absolute

with a smiling face and a name.

The necessity of life

I had never before experienced.

During that moment I felt alive

and it was wonderful.

Even traffic jam car horns

because beautiful music.

If I forget or let go of your name,

I loose the Heaven I felt

with it's association.

So much has already been sacrificed

in the name of; Oh well, it cannot be changed

or it happened for a reason.

I have let go or buried so many things.

Yet if you become totally lost

then this, I will also become.

For I know, or have convinced myself

that love's prophecy

could never be recreated through anyone else

as it was through you.

Yes my body perseveres,

yet you hold the fate of my soul.

Life and death, here and now,

and I am too weary to begin anew

if even there's a carbon copy somewhere.

You were love

and still remain love.

Return to the arms, my arms

which at one time you found.

I saw in your face brightly

the certainty,

your approval,

of what my heart represented.

Your farewell I will never understand.

Holder of roses.

Holder of my grave digging shovel.

I will never understand.

The skies are filling

with churning black clouds

and my pencil lead has broken,

thus ending...

-Randy