Re: The Result of Not Having Real Love

[Guest guest]

Hello Precious Family;

When I read this post I had a bipolar moment. ie. I laughed and cried. True love, the twin flames, kindred spirits, etc. I haven't the slightest clue of what this is or feel like. It is a subject I have pondered for a long time as seen through my poetry I post here. It is a truth that we cannot love another until we love ourselves first and can be of no benefit. How I have been winging it for all these years is beyond me. Yes I was married for a verylong time but it was a youthful careless vow made through empathy ot perhaps pity for another. Love was nevber really there. It was a boyscout doing a good deed.

Now in my midlife years, I reflect, ponder, and equalt many things. The footsteps I have chose to take and all of the lesons I have learned along the way. One side of me sees that true pure love is a necessity as equal as eating, drinking, or breathing. That special bond which another shares with you. And no, love does not die with the body's death. It is eternal, saying this is contradictory to the teachings of my worship such as impermanence etc. but I see any man made religious text or scripture will have it's incorrect spots here and there.

Then the other side of me thinks like this; perhaps it is the higher things which are making sure that such a personal commitment as love does not find my path and distract me from the service and vows I have made to others. All others. The equinimity practice and such. And, I am simply not ready to see this in the sense of a blessing. The human body, with it's core instincts and needs. We all posess these emotions or needs.

I suppose what this babbling is about is that I smile when I see others walking hand in hand and even though the divorce rate and such is very high, that there is still that unshakable eternal power of love which the fortunate ones have found. If you are one of these then in your prayers, be certian to give thanks and praise for having and sharing the most precious gift the universe has to give. May all here have a most auspicious day.

Randy,

confused and blank minded

What We Do Without real Love: Imitation Love

If we don’t have enough Real Love in our lives, the resulting emptiness is unbearable. We then compulsively try to fill our emptiness with whatever feels good in the moment—money, anger, sex, alcohol, drugs, violence, and the conditional approval of others. Anything we use as a substitute for Real Love becomes a form of Imitation Love, and they all fall into one or more of four categories:

Praise

Power

Pleasure

Safety

Praise

In the absence of sufficient Real Love, praise feels pretty good. From the time we were small children, we all experienced the exhilaration of hearing, “Good boy,†or “Good girl,†or “Nice job†when we behaved in the ways other people liked, and most of us have devoted the remainder of our lives to duplicating that feeling.

The pursuit of praise is so widespread that it’s accepted as normal, even desirable. We’ve all heard, for example, the expressions “Put your best foot forward†and “Always make a good first impression.†Without realizing it, our parents, teachers, and others taught us that earning praise was a good thing, and we accepted their counsel.

Putting your best foot forward, however, has significant drawbacks. After two people successfully establish a relationship based on their best foot, they eventually discover that their partner is a lot more than his or her best foot—that, metaphorically, there is also the other foot, bad breath, and numerous other imperfections—and the resultant disappointment can be overwhelming. Both partners feel deceived, cheated, and betrayed, and it’s understandable that they vent their frustration on their partner.

Relationships fail because we create them on a foundation lacking the one ingredient—Real Love—most essential to happiness and fulfilling relationships. Without sufficient Real Love, neither partner has the tools to create a healthy and mutually rewarding relationship. Without enough Real Love, the foundation of any relationship will be fatally flawed, and no amount of time, effort, and worry spent on the windows, doors, and carpets will ever create a healthy relationship. With Real Love, nothing else matters; without it, nothing else is enough.

Tragically, although Real Love is essential to happiness, most of us have never had consistent experiences with it, as we discussed earlier. In our emptiness and pain, we’re only too eager to reach out for anything that makes us feel better, however superficial and fleeting that relief might be. We use Imitation Love—praise being just one form—because it does feel good for a moment, even though it never really fills our emptiness.

As we vigorously engage in the pursuit of praise, however, we come to the terrible realization that the satisfaction it provides never lasts for any significant period. After you’ve worked for an hour, or a day, or a week, for example, to complete a project at work or elsewhere, it’s quite satisfying to hear the approving words, “Nice job,†but that feeling soon wears off, and then you have to work all over again to get another dose of it. The effects of praise are always short-lived, leaving us empty and desperate for more.

People who consistently use addictive drugs soon discover that the effect becomes increasingly brief, and more of the drug is required in order to achieve the same outcome. All the forms of Imitation Love are like addictive drugs. Despite all the effort required to earn Imitation Love, the beneficial effects of praise, power, money, and sex become increasingly brief. We also have to work harder to get the desired effect, and eventually we become exhausted and frustrated. Moreover, no matter how successful we are in obtaining Imitation Love, we never get the feeling of connection to other people that comes with Real Love, so we’re still painfully alone.

Power

When we don’t have enough Real Love, we feel empty, alone, helpless, weak, and afraid. We get some measure of relief from these intolerable feelings, however, when we can control the behavior of other people. That sense of power feels much better than the helplessness we often endure. As we control people—as we convince them to agree with us, or to do what we want—we also get a sensation of connection to them, which relieves our loneliness.

In the absence of sufficient Real Love, power can be quite satisfying, and we get it in so many ways: with money, authority, physical and verbal intimidation, anger, violence, and sex.

Pleasure

When we don’t feel loved unconditionally, we use physical and emotional pleasures—sex, food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, gambling, driving fast, and so on—as welcome distractions, and we often pursue them with great devotion. The enjoyable effects of pleasure, however, are fleeting, and they can never make us genuinely happy in the absence of Real Love. If pleasure could produce the kind of happiness we all want, sex addicts, for example, would be the happiest people on the planet—but they’re not. As with all the forms of Imitation Love, pleasure wears off, and eventually no amount of it will give us even a brief relief from our emptiness and pain.

Safety

Without Real Love, we’re already in the worst kind of pain, and we’ll go to great lengths to keep ourselves safe from experiencing more pain. If we can’t have genuine acceptance, we can at least do everything in our power to avoid more disapproval. Toward that end, we avoid doing anything unfamiliar. We stay in the same boring, dead-end jobs, attempt to learn nothing new, and continue in stagnant, unrewarding—but predictable—relationships. If we’ve been hurt consistently by all our past relationships, but finally we’re with someone who simply hurts us less, we can confuse that relative safety with love. Or we might avoid dating and relationships altogether.

__._,_

..

[Guest guest]

sister cheryl; i spent my adult life in a marriage that never should have

happen. I was bound by the vow. When i got shot at work and poos and less active

she left. The vow disolved. Now i see i lack social skills. I was hubby dad and

worker. Never just human. My spoken word scares me. I am afraid i will say

something improper. Also to look for love... I wouldnt know where to begin. So

here i sit the romantic gentleman waiting for heaven to bring it to my journey

if it is meant to come. My poetry most of it is themed at the emotion itself.

Not a physical person. It is my way of venting and releasing. Warmth and light.

Randy.

----- Original Message -----

Subject: Re: [] The Result of Not Having Real Love

Date: Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:04:33

From: Senegalady@... <Senegalady@...>

<jqpublic_59@...>

Dear Randy,

How is it that a man like you has not invited love into his life or that

love has not come rushing at you?  Is it possible that it has been there

and you did not recognize it?  Or that you have loved people who are

unavailable to you.  You see, I believe that we are all co-creators of our

own lives and that if you are open to love that it would be in your life. 

You are obviously very open to the love of friends, and are loved by many.

 

Love, Light, Peace and

Joy, Cheryl Crones Don't

Whine Visit me at: http://www.myspace.com/senegalady or

at Facebook under Cheryl Anne Harrington Semones

 

In a message dated 3/31/2009 12:56:52 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

jqpublic_59@... writes:

Hello Precious Family;

 When I read this post I had a bipolar moment. ie. I laughed

and cried. True love, the twin flames, kindred spirits, etc. I haven't

the slightest clue of what this is or feel like. It is a subject I

have pondered for a long time as seen through my poetry I post here.

It is a truth that we cannot love another until we love ourselves

first and can be of no benefit. How I have been winging it for all

these years is beyond me. Yes I was married for a verylong time but it

was a youthful careless vow made through empathy ot perhaps pity for

another. Love was nevber really there. It was a boyscout doing a good

deed.

 Now in my midlife years, I reflect, ponder, and equalt many

things. The footsteps I have chose to take and all of the lesons I

have learned along the way. One side of me sees that true pure love is

a necessity as equal as eating, drinking, or breathing. That special

bond which another shares with you. And no, love does not die with the

body's death. It is eternal, saying this is contradictory to the

teachings of my worship such as impermanence etc. but I see any man

made religious text or scripture will have it's incorrect spots here

and there.

 Then the other side of me thinks like this; perhaps it is

the higher things which are making sure that such a personal

commitment as love does not find my path and distract me from the

service and vows I have made to others. All others. The equinimity

practice and such. And, I am simply not ready to see this in the sense

of a blessing. The human body, with it's core instincts and needs. We

all posess these emotions or needs.

 I suppose what this babbling is about is that I smile when

I see others walking hand in hand and even though the divorce rate and

such is very high, that there is still that unshakable eternal power

of love which the fortunate ones have found. If you are one of these

then in your prayers, be certian to give thanks and praise for having

and sharing the most precious gift the universe has to give. May all

here have a most auspicious day.

 

 

 

                                        \

      

Randy,

                                        \

       confused

and blank minded

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What We Do Without real Love: Imitation Love

If we don’t have enough Real Love in our lives, the

resulting emptiness is unbearable. We then compulsively try to

fill our emptiness with whatever feels good in the

moment—money,

anger, sex, alcohol, drugs, violence, and the conditional

approval of others. Anything we use as a substitute for Real

Love becomes a form of Imitation Love, and they all fall into

one or more of four categories:

Praise

Power

Pleasure

Safety

Praise

In the absence of sufficient Real Love, praise feels pretty

good. From the time we were small children, we all experienced

the exhilaration of hearing, “Good boy,†or “Good girl,â€

or

“Nice job†when we behaved in the ways other people liked,

and

most of us have devoted the remainder of our lives to

duplicating that feeling.

The pursuit of praise is so widespread that it’s accepted

as normal, even desirable. We’ve all heard, for example, the

expressions “Put your best foot forward†and “Always make

a good

first impression.†Without realizing it, our parents,

teachers,

and others taught us that earning praise was a good thing, and

we accepted their counsel.

Putting your best foot forward, however, has significant

drawbacks. After two people successfully establish a

relationship based on their best foot, they eventually discover

that their partner is a lot more than his or her best

foot—that,

metaphorically, there is also the other foot, bad breath, and

numerous other imperfections—and the resultant disappointment

can be overwhelming. Both partners feel deceived, cheated, and

betrayed, and it’s understandable that they vent their

frustration on their partner.

Relationships fail because we create them on a foundation

lacking the one ingredient—Real Love—most essential to

happiness

and fulfilling relationships. Without sufficient Real Love,

neither partner has the tools to create a healthy and mutually

rewarding relationship. Without enough Real Love, the foundation

of any relationship will be fatally flawed, and no amount of

time, effort, and worry spent on the windows, doors, and carpets

will ever create a healthy relationship. With Real Love, nothing

else matters; without it, nothing else is enough.

Tragically, although Real Love is essential to happiness,

most of us have never had consistent experiences with it, as we

discussed earlier. In our emptiness and pain, we’re only too

eager to reach out for anything that makes us feel better,

however superficial and fleeting that relief might be. We use

Imitation Love—praise being just one form—because it does

feel

good for a moment, even though it never really fills our

emptiness.

As we vigorously engage in the pursuit of praise, however,

we come to the terrible realization that the satisfaction it

provides never lasts for any significant period. After you’ve

worked for an hour, or a day, or a week, for example, to

complete a project at work or elsewhere, it’s quite satisfying

to hear the approving words, “Nice job,†but that feeling

soon

wears off, and then you have to work all over again to get

another dose of it. The effects of praise are always

short-lived, leaving us empty and desperate for more.

People who consistently use addictive drugs soon discover

that the effect becomes increasingly brief, and more of the drug

is required in order to achieve the same outcome. All the forms

of Imitation Love are like addictive drugs. Despite all the

effort required to earn Imitation Love, the beneficial effects

of praise, power, money, and sex become increasingly brief. We

also have to work harder to get the desired effect, and

eventually we become exhausted and frustrated. Moreover, no

matter how successful we are in obtaining Imitation Love, we

never get the feeling of connection to other people that comes

with Real Love, so we’re still painfully alone.

Power

When we don’t have enough Real Love, we feel empty, alone,

helpless, weak, and afraid. We get some measure of relief from

these intolerable feelings, however, when we can control the

behavior of other people. That sense of power feels much better

than the helplessness we often endure. As we control people—as

we convince them to agree with us, or to do what we want—we

also

get a sensation of connection to them, which relieves our

loneliness.

In the absence of sufficient Real Love, power can be quite

satisfying, and we get it in so many ways: with money,

authority, physical and verbal intimidation, anger, violence,

and sex.

Pleasure

When we don’t feel loved unconditionally, we use physical

and emotional pleasures—sex, food, alcohol, drugs, shopping,

gambling, driving fast, and so on—as welcome distractions, and

we often pursue them with great devotion. The enjoyable effects

of pleasure, however, are fleeting, and they can never make us

genuinely happy in the absence of Real Love. If pleasure could

produce the kind of happiness we all want, sex addicts, for

example, would be the happiest people on the planet—but

they’re

not. As with all the forms of Imitation Love, pleasure wears

off, and eventually no amount of it will give us even a brief

relief from our emptiness and pain.

Safety

Without Real Love, we’re already in the worst kind of pain,

and we’ll go to great lengths to keep ourselves safe from

experiencing more pain. If we can’t have genuine acceptance,

we

can at least do everything in our power to avoid more

disapproval. Toward that end, we avoid doing anything

unfamiliar. We stay in the same boring, dead-end jobs, attempt

to learn nothing new, and continue in stagnant,

unrewarding—but

predictable—relationships. If we’ve been hurt consistently

by

all our past relationships, but finally we’re with someone who

simply hurts us less, we can confuse that relative safety with

love. Or we might avoid dating and relationships altogether.

__._,_

.

Worried about job security? Check out the 5 safest jobs in a recession .

[Guest guest]



Interesting thread this is, appreciate the sharing.

And with this in mind, may I humbly offer my perception of what "Love Is"

Thank you and enjoy,

click here please

http://members.shaw.ca/spiritquestca/loveis.htm