Guest guest Posted December 7, 2009 Report Share Posted December 7, 2009 This has been perplexing to me for many years. Because when I first met my husband (undiagnosed aspie) he seemed to be very sympathetic, crying at sad movies, moved by news stories. But I came to realize when it came to his life….he is concerned with his needs only. Even after countless conversations, marriage therapy and children, little has changed. So I don’t know if they outgrow the lack of empathy or if it is part personality, part growing up with good modeling and training/therapy. I am working on the later with my aspie daughter. I am encouraged by glimpses of empathy coming from her. Regards, melody Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 7, 2009 Report Share Posted December 7, 2009 My son use to be confused at how to 'feel' for people when he was younger and the situation was not straight forward (seeing someone cry for example). But that ended very early on.. say around 8 I guess. Now he is super sensative to peoples feelings, especially my own. There are still times when you can tell he struggles with how to react to a situation when there is not a clear problem and I think that has alot to do with just reading the facial expressions of others.. but for the most part it seems that once Dean 'tuned in' he became a very sensative person. Not sure which is worse sometimes because now he takes on everything onto his own shoulders and often can not let go of someone else being hurt.. he worries about them and is quite saddened by thier misfortune. ( ) Empathy> > Date: Saturday, 5 December, 2009, 1:51> > > Â > > > > Hello... I was wondering how you all view empathy, or the possible lack there of in your AS kids? My son is just now being evaluated, but I can really see many signs of AS in him now. However, in our case he does not have too much problem with routines, he is ok if things change most of the time. But I have not really felt he had trouble with empathy, although I think maybe I just don't see it. How do you all see it? Last night my husband was holding my son on our exercise bike and the pedal hurt my husband. I noticed my son had no reaction and, in fact, went on complaining he wanted to get back on the bike, rather than have any reaction to my husband hurting himself. It was the first time I really noticed my son not having empathy. Do you all see it often or is it something that just doesn't show up that obviously except now and then? Just wondering...> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 7, 2009 Report Share Posted December 7, 2009 My son is sensitive to people's feelings too. He doesn't always "get it" when something happens, but once he catches on, he's very kind and considerate. He's even mentioned to me before that he used to have trouble figuring out how people felt and it would really bother him. "Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out." From: a Ayotte <phrayotte@...> Sent: Mon, December 7, 2009 10:59:52 AMSubject: Re: ( ) Empathy My son use to be confused at how to 'feel' for people when he was younger and the situation was not straight forward (seeing someone cry for example). But that ended very early on.. say around 8 I guess. Now he is super sensative to peoples feelings, especially my own. There are still times when you can tell he struggles with how to react to a situation when there is not a clear problem and I think that has alot to do with just reading the facial expressions of others.. but for the most part it seems that once Dean 'tuned in' he became a very sensative person. Not sure which is worse sometimes because now he takes on everything onto his own shoulders and often can not let go of someone else being hurt.. he worries about them and is quite saddened by thier misfortune. ( ) Empathy> > Date: Saturday, 5 December, 2009, 1:51> > > Â > > > > Hello... I was wondering how you all view empathy, or the possible lack there of in your AS kids? My son is just now being evaluated, but I can really see many signs of AS in him now. However, in our case he does not have too much problem with routines, he is ok if things change most of the time. But I have not really felt he had trouble with empathy, although I think maybe I just don't see it. How do you all see it? Last night my husband was holding my son on our exercise bike and the pedal hurt my husband. I noticed my son had no reaction and, in fact, went on complaining he wanted to get back on the bike, rather than have any reaction to my husband hurting himself. It was the first time I really noticed my son not having empathy. Do you all see it often or is it something that just doesn't show up that obviously except now and then? Just wondering...> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 7, 2009 Report Share Posted December 7, 2009 My son has never lacked empathy, he just had trouble figuring out how others were feeling in order to show empathy appropriately. "Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out." From: Melody Kalomiris <mkalomiris@...> Sent: Mon, December 7, 2009 9:56:54 AMSubject: Re: ( ) Empathy This has been perplexing to me for many years. Because when I first met my husband (undiagnosed aspie) he seemed to be very sympathetic, crying at sad movies, moved by news stories. But I came to realize when it came to his life….he is concerned with his needs only. Even after countless conversations, marriage therapy and children, little has changed. So I don’t know if they outgrow the lack of empathy or if it is part personality, part growing up with good modeling and training/therapy. I am working on the later with my aspie daughter. I am encouraged by glimpses of empathy coming from her. Regards, melody Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 7, 2009 Report Share Posted December 7, 2009  It is sad, isnt it? My son struggles with emotions and feelings.. it kills me to see him be so confused sometimes. ( ) Empathy> > Date: Saturday, 5 December, 2009, 1:51> > > Â > > > > Hello... I was wondering how you all view empathy, or the possible lack there of in your AS kids? My son is just now being evaluated, but I can really see many signs of AS in him now. However, in our case he does not have too much problem with routines, he is ok if things change most of the time. But I have not really felt he had trouble with empathy, although I think maybe I just don't see it. How do you all see it? Last night my husband was holding my son on our exercise bike and the pedal hurt my husband. I noticed my son had no reaction and, in fact, went on complaining he wanted to get back on the bike, rather than have any reaction to my husband hurting himself. It was the first time I really noticed my son not having empathy. Do you all see it often or is it something that just doesn't show up that obviously except now and then? Just wondering...> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 7, 2009 Report Share Posted December 7, 2009 the only thought of " lack of empathy " (for lack of a better term) is when my father was killed in a motorcycle accident. my daughter was 6 at the time. it was prior to her having been diangnosed with AS. we all went to my mothers house after we got the news and everyone was there. they were all obviously crying and in shock. my neice (who is only 9 months older than my daughter) was also crying intensely because her grandpa was no longer here. My daughter showed no emotion at all and asked her cousin (my neice), " do you want to go outside and play? " , at which point my neice yelled at her and said " you dont even care that grandpa is dead ! " . my daughter just looked at her and walked away. now, as far as the lack of empathy. that night my daughter was crying uncontollably. and as many of you had experienced, when you ask " why are you crying " you usually get the response " I DONT KNOW " or " I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT " , but this time she did give the response " if grandpa died and cant come back, does that mean if you die you cant come back either? " . so in other words " she got it " . she just had to be in her quiet place. comfortable and secure before she could think about it. even if i get cross with her or dissapline her in any way for something she has done wrong and send her to her room or make her sit " time out " , as long as someone is there to witness her she will show " no emotion about it " . as soon as you leave and she is alone she will cry. no one can convince me that they have a lack of empathy. i believe they deal with it on their own time in their own way. i hope this helps. . > > Hello... I was wondering how you all view empathy, or the possible lack there of in your AS kids? My son is just now being evaluated, but I can really see many signs of AS in him now. However, in our case he does not have too much problem with routines, he is ok if things change most of the time. But I have not really felt he had trouble with empathy, although I think maybe I just don't see it. How do you all see it? Last night my husband was holding my son on our exercise bike and the pedal hurt my husband. I noticed my son had no reaction and, in fact, went on complaining he wanted to get back on the bike, rather than have any reaction to my husband hurting himself. It was the first time I really noticed my son not having empathy. Do you all see it often or is it something that just doesn't show up that obviously except now and then? Just wondering... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 7, 2009 Report Share Posted December 7, 2009 We take the simplest situations sometimes and just do a "recap" to make sure we aren't assuming he understood what just happened. I think it helps b/c he wants to understand, he just struggles. I can tell he does a lot better now that he's older (he's 13.) "Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out." From: a Ayotte <phrayotte@...> Sent: Mon, December 7, 2009 4:47:01 PMSubject: Re: ( ) Empathy  It is sad, isnt it? My son struggles with emotions and feelings.. it kills me to see him be so confused sometimes. ( ) Empathy> > Date: Saturday, 5 December, 2009, 1:51> > > Â > > > > Hello... I was wondering how you all view empathy, or the possible lack there of in your AS kids? My son is just now being evaluated, but I can really see many signs of AS in him now. However, in our case he does not have too much problem with routines, he is ok if things change most of the time. But I have not really felt he had trouble with empathy, although I think maybe I just don't see it. How do you all see it? Last night my husband was holding my son on our exercise bike and the pedal hurt my husband. I noticed my son had no reaction and, in fact, went on complaining he wanted to get back on the bike, rather than have any reaction to my husband hurting himself. It was the first time I really noticed my son not having empathy. Do you all see it often or is it something that just doesn't show up that obviously except now and then? Just wondering...> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2009 Report Share Posted December 8, 2009 Maturity and a lot of coaching seems to help a LOT. is 12 now. His teachers even tell me he has a lot of empathy. He doesn't want anyone to be sad or upset. He's to the point where he can coach his dad when dad doesn't get a social thing. " Mom said that because she was tired. " My husband has enough asperger traits that it affects our marriage. It's much harder when nobody has done anything to help with social skills. He took a class in interpersonal communication and it only made things worse because he holds ME to the standards he's learned but makes excuses for himself when he breaks the rules. It's so exasperating. The thing that makes this relationship worthwhile is that he's willing to work at it, willing to do counseling with me and on his own. My son really has grown past his dad now. Dad has a PhD in chemistry and works in Nanotechnology. Granted he was driven to work extremely hard to get good grades while my son isn't but my son does have social skills that will help him get along with co-workers once he actually GETS a job. Miriam > >>> > >>> > >>> From: Lori <have_faith_ 2008@> > >>> Subject: ( ) Empathy > >>> > >>> Date: Saturday, 5 December, 2009, 1:51 > >>> > >>> > >>>  > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> Hello... I was wondering how you all view empathy, or the possible lack there of in your AS kids? My son is just now being evaluated, but I can really see many signs of AS in him now. However, in our case he does not have too much problem with routines, he is ok if things change most of the time. But I have not really felt he had trouble with empathy, although I think maybe I just don't see it. How do you all see it? Last night my husband was holding my son on our exercise bike and the pedal hurt my husband. I noticed my son had no reaction and, in fact, went on complaining he wanted to get back on the bike, rather than have any reaction to my husband hurting himself. It was the first time I really noticed my son not having empathy. Do you all see it often or is it something that just doesn't show up that obviously except now and then? Just wondering... > >>> > >> > >> > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2009 Report Share Posted December 8, 2009  Lol thats what we do also. You know I have been doing that with him since he was very young (2) just because I felt that it was important for him to understand situations around him especially the ones that scared him. Dean is 14 and does struggle still at times (that kills me). We use the 'on the spot and stop' when we are in public all the time and have for many years to help him understand what is going on in other peoples situations. Him having a younger sibling has helped his understanding of others feelings also.. it is not all about Dean so he is forced to realize that certain actions come with a price at times. Poor Austin though.. he is a saint! Lol It is tough being the younger brother of an Aspie I feel for him daily! Funny because I did this stuff with him as a toddler not knowing that he had anything nor did he show signs of having anything at all, I guess it was the teacher in me that thought explaining constantly was a good thing lol Now if I could get HIS teachers to do the same! ( ) Empathy> > Date: Saturday, 5 December, 2009, 1:51> > > Â > > > > Hello... I was wondering how you all view empathy, or the possible lack there of in your AS kids? My son is just now being evaluated, but I can really see many signs of AS in him now. However, in our case he does not have too much problem with routines, he is ok if things change most of the time. But I have not really felt he had trouble with empathy, although I think maybe I just don't see it. How do you all see it? Last night my husband was holding my son on our exercise bike and the pedal hurt my husband. I noticed my son had no reaction and, in fact, went on complaining he wanted to get back on the bike, rather than have any reaction to my husband hurting himself. It was the first time I really noticed my son not having empathy. Do you all see it often or is it something that just doesn't show up that obviously except now and then? Just wondering...> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2009 Report Share Posted December 8, 2009 This rings a bell with me, when my son was a toddler we used to ask him what a happy/ sad/smiling/ crying etc face looked like, but like almost everything else Gregor done his nursery teacher found this strange so we stopped. Now I ask him in different situations what he makes of the situation and how the people feel. Think he is slowly getting there, he still finds it hard to understand when someone has been tricked. Hopefully this will come too. From: a Ayotte <phrayotte@...>Subject: Re: ( ) Empathy Date: Tuesday, 8 December, 2009, 11:26  Lol thats what we do also. You know I have been doing that with him since he was very young (2) just because I felt that it was important for him to understand situations around him especially the ones that scared him. Dean is 14 and does struggle still at times (that kills me). We use the 'on the spot and stop' when we are in public all the time and have for many years to help him understand what is going on in other peoples situations. Him having a younger sibling has helped his understanding of others feelings also.. it is not all about Dean so he is forced to realize that certain actions come with a price at times. Poor Austin though.. he is a saint! Lol It is tough being the younger brother of an Aspie I feel for him daily! Funny because I did this stuff with him as a toddler not knowing that he had anything nor did he show signs of having anything at all, I guess it was the teacher in me that thought explaining constantly was a good thing lol Now if I could get HIS teachers to do the same! ( ) Empathy> > Date: Saturday, 5 December, 2009, 1:51> > > Â > > > > Hello... I was wondering how you all view empathy, or the possible lack there of in your AS kids? My son is just now being evaluated, but I can really see many signs of AS in him now. However, in our case he does not have too much problem with routines, he is ok if things change most of the time. But I have not really felt he had trouble with empathy, although I think maybe I just don't see it. How do you all see it? Last night my husband was holding my son on our exercise bike and the pedal hurt my husband. I noticed my son had no reaction and, in fact, went on complaining he wanted to get back on the bike, rather than have any reaction to my husband hurting himself. It was the first time I really noticed my son not having empathy. Do you all see it often or is it something that just doesn't show up that obviously except now and then? Just wondering...> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2009 Report Share Posted December 8, 2009  How old is your son? I find that the more I do it the more he understands... it is training his brain to comprehend these situations. I think that being able to understand the situations decreases his anxiety and frustrations. Dean is not always able to do it but we are slowly getting there. I was actually thinking of purchasing some social skills videos that he could watch in his own time.. I often explain the situations in movies to him because I want him to understand the movie but maybe seeing it on a video repeatedly would work also. Has anyone tried those videos? ( ) Empathy> > Date: Saturday, 5 December, 2009, 1:51> > > Â > > > > Hello... I was wondering how you all view empathy, or the possible lack there of in your AS kids? My son is just now being evaluated, but I can really see many signs of AS in him now. However, in our case he does not have too much problem with routines, he is ok if things change most of the time. But I have not really felt he had trouble with empathy, although I think maybe I just don't see it. How do you all see it? Last night my husband was holding my son on our exercise bike and the pedal hurt my husband. I noticed my son had no reaction and, in fact, went on complaining he wanted to get back on the bike, rather than have any reaction to my husband hurting himself. It was the first time I really noticed my son not having empathy. Do you all see it often or is it something that just doesn't show up that obviously except now and then? Just wondering...> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2009 Report Share Posted December 8, 2009 On Aug 5, 7:19pm, Lorraine son wrote: } } My son is a real riddle when it comes to empathy, if he sees anything on th= } e TV he over empathises, to the point he is verging on tears. But in real l= } ife he tends to see the slap stick value in most things and bursts out laug= } hing, I have tried explaining that his friend may be hurt and he should ask= } if they are ok, but nothing seems to tap into his empathy in real life. Same around here. He has so much empathy for the characters of " Toy Story " that it was truly painful for him to watch it, but very little for us. :-( I have hopes it will develop, however. Willa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2009 Report Share Posted December 9, 2009 My son is 6, I do that with films as well, I often find he doesn't seem to"get" who is the bad guy, its like he sees the actions but the underlying motive isn't apparent to him, perhaps I expect too much from him at his age, I only have him so it can be hard to tell. From: a Ayotte <phrayottecomcast (DOT) net>Subject: Re: ( ) Empathy Date: Tuesday, 8 December, 2009, 11:26  Lol thats what we do also. You know I have been doing that with him since he was very young (2) just because I felt that it was important for him to understand situations around him especially the ones that scared him. Dean is 14 and does struggle still at times (that kills me). We use the 'on the spot and stop' when we are in public all the time and have for many years to help him understand what is going on in other peoples situations. Him having a younger sibling has helped his understanding of others feelings also.. it is not all about Dean so he is forced to realize that certain actions come with a price at times. Poor Austin though.. he is a saint! Lol It is tough being the younger brother of an Aspie I feel for him daily! Funny because I did this stuff with him as a toddler not knowing that he had anything nor did he show signs of having anything at all, I guess it was the teacher in me that thought explaining constantly was a good thing lol Now if I could get HIS teachers to do the same! ( ) Empathy> > Date: Saturday, 5 December, 2009, 1:51> > > Â > > > > Hello... I was wondering how you all view empathy, or the possible lack there of in your AS kids? My son is just now being evaluated, but I can really see many signs of AS in him now. However, in our case he does not have too much problem with routines, he is ok if things change most of the time. But I have not really felt he had trouble with empathy, although I think maybe I just don't see it. How do you all see it? Last night my husband was holding my son on our exercise bike and the pedal hurt my husband. I noticed my son had no reaction and, in fact, went on complaining he wanted to get back on the bike, rather than have any reaction to my husband hurting himself. It was the first time I really noticed my son not having empathy. Do you all see it often or is it something that just doesn't show up that obviously except now and then? Just wondering...> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2009 Report Share Posted December 9, 2009 An interesting game that my son's counselor introduced was to play " hot and cold " using faces instead of words. So you hide an object, and if the person seeking is getting close you make a happy face and if they're moving away from it you make a sad face. My son had no trouble at all making the correct face, but a lot of trouble reading ours. I don't think he usually looks at faces much. Willa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 My son is a 12 year-old Aspie and he very rarely shows empathy...and yes he will complain also if the situation he should feel empathy for gets in the way of what he wants to do....for instance, I fell of the stairs one time and spilled water everywhere so I told him not to come upstairs until I dry the carpet and walls....something that would have taken me 5 mins....well first he huffed because he JUST ABSOLUTELY HAD TO COME UPSTAIRS....it couldn't wait 5 mins....not only that, he mumbled " well if you had been more careful you wouldnt have fallen up the stairs and you wouldn't have dropped all that water " ...I was flabbergasted that my son didn't even care whether I got hurt or not...not once did he say " mom are u ok " .....and they're are so many more instances of this type of reaction, the list goes on and on...very rarely, only if hes in a really really loving mood will he be empathetic......its kind of hurtful sometimes.... > > Hello... I was wondering how you all view empathy, or the possible lack there of in your AS kids? My son is just now being evaluated, but I can really see many signs of AS in him now. However, in our case he does not have too much problem with routines, he is ok if things change most of the time. But I have not really felt he had trouble with empathy, although I think maybe I just don't see it. How do you all see it? Last night my husband was holding my son on our exercise bike and the pedal hurt my husband. I noticed my son had no reaction and, in fact, went on complaining he wanted to get back on the bike, rather than have any reaction to my husband hurting himself. It was the first time I really noticed my son not having empathy. Do you all see it often or is it something that just doesn't show up that obviously except now and then? Just wondering... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 I get that kind of thing too, if Gregor has ran into me hurting me and himself in the process he always says well you shouldn't have been standing there. Absolutely no concern expressed. From: G'z <used2bprecious@...>Subject: ( ) Re: Empathy Date: Friday, 11 December, 2009, 12:06 My son is a 12 year-old Aspie and he very rarely shows empathy...and yes he will complain also if the situation he should feel empathy for gets in the way of what he wants to do....for instance, I fell of the stairs one time and spilled water everywhere so I told him not to come upstairs until I dry the carpet and walls....something that would have taken me 5 mins....well first he huffed because he JUST ABSOLUTELY HAD TO COME UPSTAIRS.... it couldn't wait 5 mins....not only that, he mumbled "well if you had been more careful you wouldnt have fallen up the stairs and you wouldn't have dropped all that water"...I was flabbergasted that my son didn't even care whether I got hurt or not...not once did he say "mom are u ok".....and they're are so many more instances of this type of reaction, the list goes on and on...very rarely, only if hes in a really really loving mood will he be empathetic.. ....its kind of hurtful sometimes... .>> Hello... I was wondering how you all view empathy, or the possible lack there of in your AS kids? My son is just now being evaluated, but I can really see many signs of AS in him now. However, in our case he does not have too much problem with routines, he is ok if things change most of the time. But I have not really felt he had trouble with empathy, although I think maybe I just don't see it. How do you all see it? Last night my husband was holding my son on our exercise bike and the pedal hurt my husband. I noticed my son had no reaction and, in fact, went on complaining he wanted to get back on the bike, rather than have any reaction to my husband hurting himself. It was the first time I really noticed my son not having empathy. Do you all see it often or is it something that just doesn't show up that obviously except now and then? Just wondering...> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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