Setting Personal Boundraries

[Guest guest]

 

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

" The purpose of having boundaries is

to protect and take care of ourselves.  We need to be able to tell

other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. 

A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend

ourselves.  That we have not only the right, but the duty to take

responsibility for how we allow others to treat us. "

" It is important to state our feelings out loud, and to precede the

feeling with " I feel. "   (When we say " I am angry, I'm hurt, etc. "

we are stating that the feeling is who we are.  Emotions do not define

us, they are a form of internal communication that help us to understand

ourselves.  They are a vital part of our being - as a component of

the whole.)  This is owning the feeling.  It is important to

do for ourselves.  By stating the feeling out loud we are affirming

that we have a right to feelings.  We are affirming it to ourselves

- and taking responsibility for owning ourselves and our reality. 

Rather the other person can hear us and understand is not as important

as hearing ourselves and understanding that we have a right to our feelings. 

It is vitally important to own our own voice.  To own our right to

speak up for ourselves. "

" Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation

- although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact

they are attempting to manipulate.  The difference between setting

a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is:  when we set a

boundary we let go of the outcome. "

" It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has

no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. 

Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a

friend to ourselves.  It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves

- to protect ourselves when it is necessary.  It is impossible to

learn to be Loving to ourselves without owning our self - and owning our

rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives. "

On this page codependency therapist/inner child healing pioneer/Spiritual

teacher writes about the importance of, and process of, setting personal

boundaries.

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Codependence:

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This article is part of a series of articles that began with Emotional

Abuse, and was followed by Emotional

Honesty and Emotional Responsibility Part 1.

This page includes quotes from Codependence:

The Dance of Wounded Souls and quotes from other

articles, columns, or web pages (indented) written by Burney. 

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Emotional Honesty and Emotional Responsibility part

3: 

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

Earlier in this series I mentioned that I would be focusing

on three primary areas in relationship to learning to have a healthier

relationship with self and others:  boundaries, emotional honesty,

and emotional responsibility.  The three areas are intimately interrelated,

and because I do not feel I can talk about one area without also discussing

the others, I may have gotten the cart before the horse in a sense in this

series.  I started the series in the first two articles focusing more

on emotional honesty and responsibility - and learning to have internal

boundaries with ourselves in terms of seeing the process of life more realistically

(what we need to accept, and what we can change) - and starting to take

responsibility for our behaviors and emotions.

The reason I started there, is because changing our relationship with

ourselves and life is vital in order to make any long term changes in our

relationships with others.  It is vital to learn to respect and honor

our selves, so that we can awaken to the need to have boundaries that let

other people know that we deserve and demand respect.

What is so powerful and effective about the inner child healing process,

as I have learned to apply it, is that it changes our core relationship

with ourselves.  Once we start having a more Loving relationship with

ourselves, everything changes.  We start to naturally and normally: 

set boundaries with others;  speak our Truth;  own our right

to be alive and be treated with respect and dignity.

To start by learning how to set boundaries and assert ourselves, without

changing the core relationship with ourselves, will ultimately not work

in the relationships we care most about.  It is relatively easy to

start setting boundaries in relationships that don't mean much to us -

it is in the relationships that mean the most to us that it is so difficult. 

That is because, it is those relationships - family, romantic, etc. - that

our inner child wounds are the most powerful.  The little child within

us does not feel worthy, feels defective and shameful, and is terrified

of setting boundaries for fear everyone will leave.  The other extreme

of this phenomena is those of us who throw up huge walls to try to keep

people from getting too close - and sabotage any relationship that starts

getting too intimate - to try to protect the wounded child within from

being hurt.

With boundaries, as in every area of the healing process, change starts

with awareness.  I had to hear about boundaries, and start learning

the concept before I could even realize that I didn't have any.  I

had to start getting some glimmer of an idea of what boundaries are, and

how to set them, in order to understand how hard they were for me - and

how absolutely vital to learning to Love myself.

So, in this third article of this series on emotional honesty and emotional

responsibility I am going to be focusing on setting personal boundaries

with other people.  I am going to attempt to keep the focus on a very

basic level for those readers who are new to the concept of boundaries. 

Personal Boundaries

" Boundaries define limits, mark off dividing

lines.  The purpose of a boundary is to make clear separations between

different turf, different territory. . . .

In relationship to recovery and the growth process,

I am going to be talking about two primary types of boundaries.  Natural

boundaries that are part of the way life works - that are aligned with

the reality of the rules that govern human dynamics - and personal boundaries. "

- Emotional Honesty and Emotional Responsibility Part 2

The process of Recovery teaches us how to take down

the walls and protect ourselves in healthy ways - by learning what healthy

boundaries are, how to set them, and how to defend them.  It teaches

us to be discerning in our choices, to ask for what we need, and to be

assertive and Loving in meeting our own needs.  (Of course many of

us have to first get used to the revolutionary idea that it is all right

for us to have needs.)

(Text in this color are quotes from Codependence:

The Dance of Wounded Souls)

The purpose of having boundaries is to protect

and take care of ourselves.  We need to be able to tell other people

when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us.  A first

step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. 

That we have not only the right, but the duty, to take responsibility for

how we allow others to treat us.

We need to start becoming aware of what healthy

behavior and acceptable interaction dynamics look like before we can start

practicing them ourselves - and demanding the proper treatment from others. 

We need to start learning how to be emotionally honest with ourselves,

how to start owing our feelings, and how to communicate in a direct and

honest manner.  Setting personal boundaries is vital part of healthy

relationships - which are not possible without communication.

The first thing that we need to learn to do is

communicate without blaming.  That means, stop saying things like: 

you make me so angry;  you hurt me;  you make me crazy; 

how could you do that to me after all I have done for you;  etc. 

These are the very types of messages we got in childhood that has so warped

our perspective on our own emotional process.

I grew up believing that I had the power to make

my father angry and to break my mother's heart.  I thought that I

was supposed to be perfect, and that if I was not, I was causing the people

I loved great pain.  I grew up believing that something was wrong

with me because I was human.  I grew up believing that I had power

over other peoples feelings - and they had power over mine.

In my codependence I learned to be enmeshed with

other people - to not have healthy boundaries that told me who " I " was,

and that I was a separate person from them.  I had to become hyper-vigilant

in childhood.  I learned to focus on trying to interpret what my parents

and other authority figures were feeling in order to try to protect myself. 

As an adult, I unconsciously tried to manipulate people - by trying to

be what they wanted me to be if I wanted them to like me, or trying to

be either intimidating or invisible if that seemed the safest course. 

I had no real concept of being responsible for my own feelings because

I had learned that other people were responsible for my feelings - and

vice versa.  I had to learn to start defining myself emotionally as

separate from other people in order to start learning who I was.

I was not able to start seeing myself as separate

in a healthy way (I had always felt that I was separate in an unhealthy

way - shameful and unworthy) until I started to see that I had been powerless

over the behavior patterns I learned in childhood.  Since my behavior

patterns, my behavioral and emotional defense systems, had developed in

reaction to the feeling that there was something wrong with me, I had to

learn to start taking power away from the toxic shame that is at the core

of this disease.  Toxic shame involves thinking that there is something

wrong with who we are.  Guilt - in my definition - involves behavior,

while shame is about our being.  Guilt is:  I did something wrong; 

I made a mistake.  Shame is:  I am a mistake;  something

is wrong with me.

On an emotional level the dance of Recovery is

owning and honoring the emotional wounds so that we can release the grief

energy - the pain, rage, terror, and shame that is driving us.

That shame is toxic and is not ours - it never

was!  We did nothing to be ashamed of - we were just little kids. 

Just as our parents were little kids when they were wounded and shamed,

and their parents before them, etc., etc.  This is shame about being

human that has been passed down from generation to generation.

There is no blame here, there are no bad guys,

only wounded souls and broken hearts and scrambled minds.

In order to stop giving the toxic shame so much

power, I had to learn to detach from my own reactive process enough to

start being able to see a boundary between being and behavior.  I

had to stop judging myself and other people based on behavior.  I

started to learn how to observe behavior without making judgments about

myself and others. There is a huge difference between judgment in my definition

and observation.  It is vital for me to observe other people's behavior

in order to protect myself.  That does not mean I need to make a value

judgment about their being based upon their behavior.

Judgment is saying, " that person is a jerk. "  

Observation is saying, " that person seems to be really full of anger and

it would be better for me to not be involved with them. "

[When I use the term " judge, " I am talking about

making judgments about our own or other people's being based on behavior. 

In other words, I did something bad therefore I am a bad person; I made

a mistake therefore I am a mistake.  That is what toxic shame is all

about:  feeling that something is wrong with our being, that we are

somehow defective because we have human drives, human weaknesses, human

imperfections.

There may be behavior in which we have engaged

that we feel ashamed of but that does not make us shameful beings  

We may need to make judgments about whether our behavior is healthy and

appropriate but that does not mean that we have to judge our essential

self, our being, because of the behavior.  Our behavior has been dictated

by our disease, by our childhood wounds; it does not mean that we are bad

or defective as beings.  It means that we are human, it means that

we are wounded.

It is important to start setting a boundary between

being and behavior.  All humans have equal Divine value as beings

- no matter what our behavior.  Our behavior is learned (and/or reactive

to physical or physiological conditions).  Behavior, and the attitudes

that dictate behavior, are adopted defenses designed to allow us to survive

in the Spiritually hostile, emotionally repressive, dysfunctional environments

into which we were born.]

Formula for emotionally honest communication

So, it is very important for us to learn to communicate

about how another person's behavior is affecting us - without making blaming

" you " type of statements.  There is a simple formula to help us do

this.  It is:

When you . . . . .

I feel . . . . .

I want . . . .

Since I am powerless over you, I will take this

action to protect myself if you behave in this way.

The fourth part of this formula is setting the boundary. 

I will get to that in a moment.  The first three parts of the formula

are a very important part of taking responsibility for our self - an important

step in learning to define ourselves as separate in a healthy way.

When you . . . . .

The " When you . . . " statement is a description of

behavior.  It is very important actually describe the behavior. 

To say to another person: when you get angry;  when you shame me;

or such statements - is too general, not specific enough.  These types

of general statements do not really describe the behavior - they are our

interpretations of the behavior.  A major facet of codependence is

assuming, interpreting, mind reading, and fortune telling - due to our

childhood conditioning. We think we know the intentions and motives of

others.  We assume that they are conscious of their behavior and will

know what we are talking about.

It is vital to realize that we do not know how

to communicate in a direct and honest manner.  We need to stop interpreting

and start communicating.  It is important to describe the behavior

rather than our interpretation and assumptions about what the behavior

means.

" When your face gets red and your voice gets louder

and your hands clench into fists " - is specific and descriptive. 

It does not assume - rather it describes the behavior that appears to us

to indicate anger.

" When you look at me with a frown on your face

and your eye brows slightly raised and give a loud sigh " - is a description

of behavior that causes us to react with guilt and shame.  Usually

the other people have no idea of what their behavior looks like. 

Our parents tried to control our behavior with fear, guilt, and shame because

that is how their parents tried to control their behavior in childhood. 

We react in the ways we do because of the emotional buttons, the triggers,

that our parents behavior toward us installed in our programming.

Usually, when we first confront such behavior

in a healthy way, the other people will profess innocence and ignorance

of what we are talking about.  But, by describing the behavior, we

will be planting seeds of consciousness in them that may eventually cause

them to get more conscious of the sound of their own voice, or their sighs. 

Describing behavior is an important step towards making it possible for

the other people to get past their toxic shame so that they can start seeing

a boundary between being and behavior.

We of course, are powerless over them - over whether

they get it, understand what we are doing.  But in learning to communicate

in a healthy way, without blame and shame, we are maximizing the possibility

of communication.

I feel . . . . .

This is the part of the formula where we start learning to express our

emotions in a healthy and honest way.  This is a vital part of the

process of owning our emotions.  Anyone who is fairly new to this

process, and isn't sure what I mean by owning the feelings, would probably

benefit from reading two short articles about emotions and emotional defenses. 

Those articles: The Journey

to the Emotional Frontier Within and Further Journeys to the Emotional

Frontier Within can be accessed right now by clicking on the link for

the first one and then following the link to the second one.  (The

article will appear in a new browser window, so that after reading the

articles you can collapse the new window and return to this article.)

It is best to use primary feeling words (described in the articles above)

when expressing the " I feel . . . . " part of this formula - but it is also

OK to use words that describe the messages we feel are inherent in their

behaviors.

When your voice gets louder and your face gets red and you clench your

fists,

I feel scared, intimidated, unsafe.  I feel like you are

going to hit me.

When I try to talk to you while you are watching television and I have

to say your name 3 or 4 times before you respond,

I feel angry, hurt, discounted, unimportant, insignificant,

invisible, like I am being punished.  It feels like you do not want

to communicate with me.

It is important to state our feelings out loud, and to precede the feeling

with " I feel. "   (When we say " I am angry, I'm hurt, etc. " we are stating

that the feeling is who we are.  Emotions do not define us, they are

a form of internal communication that help us to understand ourselves. 

They are a vital part of our being - as a component of the whole.) 

This is owning the feeling.  It is important to do for ourselves. 

By stating the feeling out loud we are affirming that we have a right to

feelings.  We are affirming it to ourselves - and taking responsibility

for owning ourselves and our reality.  Rather the other person can

hear us and understand is not as important as hearing ourselves and understanding

that we have a right to our feelings.  It is vitally important to

own our own voice.  To own our right to speak up for ourselves.

As we get farther along in the process, and start to get more aware

of our inner child wounds, we can start being more discerning in our communications

techniques.  For instance, if one was hit as a child, then a raised

voice is a trigger to the child's fear of being hit.  For the little

child it was life threatening when a giant adult raged.  In your adult

relationship, you may feel very confident that your significant other (or

boss or whatever) would not hit you - but when we are triggered, we react

out of the emotional wounds of the child, out of the child's emotional

reality.

So then you might say something like:

When your voice gets louder and your face gets red and you clench your

fists . . .

I feel scared and hurt.  I react out of the 5 year old

in me who got hit when my father raged.  I react to a loud voice by

feeling like I am going to be hit.

(Often someone that comes from a loud expressive family will get involved

with someone that comes from an very emotionally repressive family. 

Then the first person will not think anything of being loud - while the

second will be very upset by loudness.  The only way to work through

the programming from our childhood is to be able to communicate with each

other so that we can start becoming conscious of our behaviors and how

they affect others.)

I want . . . .

I want is pretty self explanatory.  But again it is important not

to be too general.  Saying something like: " I want to know I am important

to you.  I want to know you love me. " is not specific enough. 

Describe the kind of behaviors that would give you the message that you

want from the other person.

" I want you to answer me when I talk to you.  I want you to tell

me you love me - and show me with funny little gifts and cards and making

plans on your own for a special date for just the two of us.  I want

you to ask me how my day went and really listen to my answer. "   etc.

Setting Boundaries

The purpose of setting boundaries is to take care of our self.  Being

forced to learn how to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to own

our self, of learning to respect ourselves, of learning to love ourselves. 

If we never have to set a boundary, then we will never get in touch with

who we really are - will never escape the enmeshment of codependence and

learn to define ourselves as separate in a healthy way.

When I first encountered the concept of boundaries, I thought of them

as lines that I would draw in the sand - and if you stepped across them

I would shoot you (figuratively speaking.)  (I had this image of some

place like the Alamo - from a movie I guess - where a sword was used to

draw a line in the sand, and then those that were going to stay and fight

to the death stepped across it.)  I thought that boundaries had to

be rigid and final and somehow kind of fatal.

Some boundaries are rigid - and need to be.  Boundaries such as:

" It is not OK to hit me, ever. "   " It is not acceptable to call me

certain names. "   " It is not acceptable to cheat on me. "

No one deserves to be treated abusively.  No one deserves to be

lied to and betrayed.

We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.  If we do

not respect ourselves, if we do not start awakening to our right to be

treated with respect and dignity (and our responsibility in creating that

in our lives) - then we will be more comfortable being involved with people

who abuse us then with people who treat us in loving ways.  Often

if we do not respect ourselves, we will end up exhibiting abusive behavior

towards people who do not abuse us.  On some level in our codependence,

we are more comfortable with being abused (because it is what we have always

known) than being treated in a loving way.

Learning to set boundaries is vital to learning to love our self, and

to communicating to other's that we have worth.

There are basically three parts to a boundary.  The first two are

setting the boundary - the third is what we will do to defend that boundary.

If you - a description of the behavior we find unacceptable

(again being as descriptive as possible.)

I will - a description of what action you will take to protect

and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.

If you continue this behavior - a description of what steps you

will take to protect the boundary that you have set.

One very drastic example (in the case of someone who is just learning about

boundaries and has been physically abused in the past) would be:

If you ever hit me, I will call the police and press charges

- and I will leave this relationship.  If you continue to threaten

me, I will get a restraining order and prepare to defend myself in whatever

manner is necessary.

It is not always necessary or appropriate to share the third part of this

formula with the other person when setting a boundary - the first two steps

are the actual setting of the boundary.  The third part is something

we need to know for ourselves, so that we know what action we can take

if the other person violates the boundary.  If we set a boundary and

expect the other person to abide by it automatically - then we are setting

ourselves up to be a victim of our expectation.

It is not enough to set boundaries - it is necessary to be willing to

do whatever it takes to enforce them.  We need to be willing to go

to any length, do whatever it takes to protect ourselves.  This is

something that really upset me when I first started learning how to set

boundaries.  It took great courage for me to build myself up to a

point where I was willing to set a boundary.  I thought that the huge

thing I had done to set a boundary should be enough.  Then to see

that some people just ignored the boundaries I had set, seemed terribly

unfair to me.

Consequences

It is very important to set consequences that we are willing to enforce. 

If you are setting boundaries in a relationship, and you are not yet at

a point where you are ready to leave the relationship - then don't say

that you will leave.  You can say that you will start considering

all of your options including leaving - but do not state that you will

do something that you are not ready yet to do.  To set boundaries

and not enforce them just gives the other person an excuse to continue

in the same old behavior.

If you verbally abuse me by calling me names like stupid or

jerk, I will confront you about your behavior and share my feelings.

If you continue that behavior I will leave the room/house/ask

you to leave.

If you keep repeating this behavior I will start considering all of

my options, including leaving this relationship.

~

If you break your plans with me by not showing up or by calling me at the

last minute to tell me that you had something else come up, I will confront

your behavior and share my feelings.

If you repeat that behavior, I will consider it to mean that you do

not value or deserve my friendship - and I will have no contact with you

for a month.

Since behavior patterns are quite ingrained in all of us, it is important

to allow the other person some wiggle room to make a change in behavior

- unless the behavior is really intolerable.  To go from one

extreme to the other is a reaction to a reaction - and is codependent. 

There are choices in between which are sometimes hard for us to see if

we are reacting.  To go from tolerating verbally abusive behavior

to leaving a relationship in one step is swinging between extremes. 

It is helpful to set boundaries that allow for some gradual change.

When I ask you what is wrong and you say " Never mind, "

and then slam cabinet doors and rattle pots and pans and generally seem

to be silently raging about something,

I feel angry, frustrated, irritated, hopeless, as if you are

unwilling to communicate with me, as if I am supposed to read your mind.

I want you to communicate with me and help me to understand if

I have done something that upsets you.

If something is bothering you and you will not tell me what it

is, I will confront you about your behavior and share my feelings.

If you continue that behavior, I will confront your behavior,

share my feelings, and insist that we go to counseling together.

If you keep repeating this behavior I will start considering

all of my options, including leaving this relationship.

The consequences we set down for behavior we find unacceptable should be

realistic - in that, the change that we are asking for is something that

is within the others power (rather they are willing to take that responsibility

is another thing altogether) - and enforceable, something that we are willing

to do.

It is also important to set consequences that impact the other person

more than us.  Often when people are first learning how to set boundaries,

they do not think it through far enough.  They set boundaries that

impact themselves as much or more than the other person.  For example,

a single parent with a teenager who needs to get consequences for coming

home late, or bad grades, or whatever, may be tempted to say something

like " If you miss your curfew again, you will be grounded for a month. "  

The reality of grounding a teenager for a month is that it often means

the parent is also grounded for a month.  If taking away driving privileges

means then you will have to drive them to school - maybe you want to choose

some other consequence.

Choices

Setting a boundary is not making a threat - it is communicating clearly

what the consequences will be if the other person continues to treat us

in an unacceptable manner.  It is a consequence of the other persons

behavior.

Setting a boundary is not an attempt to control the other person (although

some of the people who you set boundaries with will certainly accuse you

of that - just as some will interpret it as a threat) - it is a part of

the process of defining ourselves and what is acceptable to us.  It

is a major step in taking what control we can of how we allow others to

treat us.  It is a vital step in taking responsibility for our self

and our life.

Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation -

although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact

they are attempting to manipulate.  The difference between setting

a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is:  when we set a

boundary we let go of the outcome.

We want the other person to change their behavior.  We hope they

will.  But we need to own all of our choices in order to empower ourselves

to take responsibility for our lives and stop setting ourselves up to be

a victim.  One of our choices is to remove ourselves from relationship

with the person.  We can leave a marriage.  We can end a friendship. 

We can leave a job.  We do not have to have any contact with our family

of origin.  It is vitally important to own all of our choices.

If we do not own that we have a choice to leave an abusive relationship

- then we are not making a choice to stay in the relationship. 

Any time we do not own our choices, we are empowering victimization. 

We will then blame the other person, and/or blame ourselves.  It is

a vital part of the process of learning to love ourselves, and taking responsibility

for being a co-creator in our life, to own all of our choices.

It is essential to own that we have choices in order to escape the codependent

suffering victim martyr role - or the other extreme, which is being abusive

in order to try to make others do it " right " (that is, do what we want

them to.)  Both, the people who appear to be victims and the people

that appear to be abusers, are coming from a victim place in terms of blaming

others for their behavior.  " I wouldn't have to hit you if you didn't

talk to me that way " is a victim statement.  Both victim and perpetrator

are coming from a victim perspective, blaming their behaviors on others

- or on themselves, " I can't help it, that is just how I am. "

When we look outside for self-definition and self-worth,

we are giving power away and setting ourselves up to be victims. We are

trained to be victims. We are taught to give our power away.

As just one small example of how pervasively we

are trained to be victims, consider how often you have said, or heard someone

say, " I have to go to work tomorrow. " When we say " I have to " we are making

a victim statement. To say, " I have to get up, and I have to go to work, "

is a lie. No one forces an adult to get up and go to work. The Truth is

" I choose to get up and I choose to go to work today, because I choose

to not have the consequences of not working. " To say, " I choose, " is not

only the Truth, it is empowering and acknowledges an act of self-Love.

When we " have to " do something we feel like a victim. And because we feel

victimized, we will then be angry, and want to punish, whomever we see

as forcing us to do something we do not want to do such as our family,

or our boss, or society.

" And we always have a choice. If someone

sticks a gun in my face and says, " Your money or your life! " I have a choice.

I may not like my choice but I have one. In life we often don't like our

choices because we don't know what the outcome is going to be and we are

terrified of doing it 'wrong.'

Even with life events that occur in a way that

we seemingly don't have a choice over (being laid off work, the car breaking

down, a flood, etc.) we still have a choice over how we respond to those

events. We can choose to see things that feel like, and seem to be, tragic

as opportunities for growth. We can choose to focus on the half of the

glass that is full and be grateful for it or to focus on the half that

is empty and be the victim of it. We have a choice about where we focus

our minds.

In order to become empowered, to become the co-creator

in our lives, and to stop giving power to the belief that we are the victim,

it is absolutely necessary to own that we have choices. As in the quotation

above: if we believe that we " have " to do something then we are buying

into the belief that we are the victim and don't have the power to make

choices. To say " I have to go to work " is a lie. " I have to go to work

if I want to eat " may be the truth but then you are making a choice to

eat. The more conscious we get about our choices, the more empowered we

become.

We need to take the " have to " s out of our vocabulary.

As long as we reacting to life unconsciously we do not have choices. In

consciousness we always have a choice. We do not " have to " do anything.

Until we own that we have a choice, we haven't

made one. In other words, if you do not believe that you have a choice

to leave your job, or relationship, then you have not made a choice to

stay in it. You can only Truly commit yourself to something if you are

consciously choosing to do it.  This includes the area that is probably

the single hardest job in our society today, the area that it is almost

impossible not to feel trapped in some of the time - being a single parent. 

A single parent has the choice of giving their children up for adoption,

or abandoning them.  That is a choice!  If a single parent believes

that he/she has no choice, then they will feel trapped and resentful and

will end up taking it out on their children! " - Empowerment

and Victimization - the power of choice

We always have a choice.  The choices may seem to be awful - but in

reality, allowing ourselves to buy into the illusion that we are trapped

will have worse consequences in the long run.  It may seem ridiculous

to suggest that a parent can abandon or give a child up for adoption -

but owning our choices no matter how outrageous is a step in owning responsibility

for being co-creators in our life.  If we are blaming and being the

victim we will never be happy.

(And this is a good example of when sharing the 3rd part of this formula

is not appropriate.  It would be abusive to threaten a child with

being put up for adoption.  This is a choice that we need to own to

escape feeling trapped in our relationship with ourselves - it is strictly

an internal thing.  With children it is vital to not project our

own internal struggle onto the child - it doesn't have anything to do with

the child, it is all about our relationship with self.)

Negotiation

We set a boundary to define our territory, to protect our space - physical,

emotional, mental, sexual, spiritual, financial, etc.  We set the

boundary because it is what we need to do for our self, to protect and

take care of our self.  We set it knowing that the other person may

not be able or willing to change their behavior - and that we are prepared

to take whatever action we need to take if that proves to be the case. 

That action may include cutting that person out of our life completely.

I was scared of setting boundaries because the little boy in me was

afraid of:  hurting other people;  having other people be angry

at me;  being abandoned;  losing the relationship.  Ultimately,

it came down to: people will go away if I say no or set a boundary with

them.

I had to become willing to take that risk.  I had to decide that

I had enough worth to stand up for myself even if people did go away. 

And some people did go away.  Some people do still when I set a boundary. 

But I was also amazed to see that some of the people that I set a boundary

with started to treat me with more respect.  They were able to hear

me and valued me enough to change their behavior.

By becoming willing to take the risk of setting boundaries, I got the

wonderful gift of getting what I wanted - some of the time. 

I had to let go of the outcome and learn to accept the situation however

it unfolded.  I had to let go of a lot of people that I had considered

friends.  I came to the realization that the people I had been calling

friends, were not really friends at all - because as long as I did not

know how to be a friend to myself, I could not truly recognize friendship

in others.  As long as I was unconsciously reacting out of my old

programming, the people I was attracted to were people who would abuse

me, shame me, abandon and betray me.

I came to the realization that anyone who is a friend is someone I can

communicate with - and be able to negotiate boundaries with.  The

vast majority of boundaries are in fact a negotiation rather than a rigid

line in the sand.  Adults need to negotiate boundaries between themselves. 

This is very true in romantic relationships - and is the standard for all

relationships.

What we are striving for is healthy interdependent relationships. 

We want friends who are allies.  With alliances it is necessary to

negotiate boundaries.  Here is what I am willing to do, and here is

what I need from you.  We want a romantic relationship with a partner

who will share our journey with us.  In order to make that possible

it is necessary to communicate, share feelings, and negotiate agreements

about behavior.  By setting boundaries, we are communicating with

another person.  We are telling them who we are and what we need. 

It is much more effective to do that directly and honestly than to expect

them to read our minds - and then punish them when they cannot.

Often it is little things that seem inconsequential that it is most

important to set boundaries about.  Irritating little habits or mannerism

of another person.  The irritating little things will grow into huge

monsters unless we learn to communicate and negotiate.  When we stuff

our feelings we build up resentments.  Resentments are victim feelings

- the feeling that somebody is doing something to us.  If we don't

speak up and take the risk of sharing how we feel, we will end up blowing

up and/or being passive aggressive - and damaging the relationship.

Learning to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to communicate

in a direct and honest manner.  It is impossible to have a healthy

relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot

communicate directly, and honestly.  Learning how to set boundaries

is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves.  It is

our responsibility to take care of ourselves - to protect ourselves when

it is necessary.  It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves

without owning our self - and owning our rights and responsibilities as

co-creators of our lives.

This is the third article in a series about Emotional

Honesty and Emotional Responsibility that is being written as a follow

up to an article about Emotional Abuse. 

You may also wish to read Codependence vs Interdependence

to understand the difference between a healthy relationship and a codependent

one.

For the fourth article in this series click

here

Discernment in relationship to emotional

honesty and responsibility 1

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Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Burney

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