Re: Thank you (to Ruth)

[Guest guest]

I appreciate your kindness. I find it hard to open up, I think

because I am afraid of my own emotions. Yesterday I was dying to

burst in tears but couldn't because I was at work, then later I was

at home. I don't bother to cry there because of my husband. I can't

show any emotions in front of him, which makes it so hard for me. I

was getting ready for bed and as I was saying my prayer, I felt like

crying really hard, but couldn't because I didn't want to tell my

husband why I was crying. I think the last time I cried really hard

was when I watch " Life as a house " , with Kline. I cried so hard

not because the movie was sad, but it was an opportunity to cry that

hard without my husband telling me not to cry. He knows I am a big

cry baby when it comes to sad movies. I guess you are right when you

said that admitting you (I) am scared is the first step. I don't know

if I have come to that yet (1 & 1/2 yrs later?????). I don't know how

I feel. I keep thinking " I am not the only one " , " my case isn't as

bad as others " , " If I don't allow this disease to get me down I will

be fine " .....I guess I have been fooling myself. I talk about my

disease, about how my body feels, but I don't ever talk about HOW I

feel emotionally. I have always been known as the happy go

lucky/bubblie one, when people see me quiet or sad------NO ONE knows

how to handle it. One of my biggest problems is making sure everyone

else around me is happy & that they are not bothered by me. IF I am

in a yucky mood or sad/angry/self-pitying-----OH NO!!! Especially at

home, I HAVE TO ALWAYS BE IN A GOOD MOOD THERE, if I'm not, my

husband gives me attitude and tells me to knock it off.....so I HIDE

MY FEELINGS!!!!! OK, before I burst into tears and feel self pity

right now, I better let you all go. AGAIN, THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES

OVER FOR BEING WHO YOU ARE!!!!!!

I want to thank you all for

replying. I will talk to my doctor this

> week. I didn't want to think the pred. made me depressed. I have

kept

> on living life as I always have since my dx (9/01). I refused to

let

> this disease get me down. I refuse to accept depression is part of

> this and any/all diseases. I feel I have to be strong and not show

> emotion/sadness/anger because my husband CAN NOT handle it. I am

the

> strong one between us. He CAN NOT handle this disease anymore than

I

> can. Unfortunetly he can't handle ANYTHING that is out of the norm.

> Even daily pressures are too much for him. I usually HOLD

EVERYTHING

> inside, not letting him know how crazy I feel, because he gets

upset

> and tells me not to worry or be upset. I feel talking about my

health

> and the way I feel to my husband, mom & best friend is bothersome.

> That is why I came to this forum, I typically only read your posts,

I

> usually don't write much. But, I see why everyone needs each other

> here. You all have helped me learn a lot. Thank your for your input

&

> knowledge, now I don't feel so horrible. I know there is help

> available. I am so conservative about discussing sex, not to

mention

> discussing any type of disfuntion in that area. People hate to

admit

> problems in this area, since society makes such a big thing about

> sex. I wish you ALL happiness!! Thank you again......30

>

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